“Why Does My Child Only Listen When I Shout?”

It’s common for parents to feel the need to raise their voice or resort to yelling to capture their young child’s attention. Yelling can become a default response, leading to feelings of frustration and a sense of losing control. As we yell louder and more frequently, it may seem to be the only way to gain a child's attention, but this cycle can leave parents feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed.

Why Does My Child Only Listen When I Shout?

The reason why your kids seem to respond or react only once you’ve started yelling is that they've learned to associate your raised voice with urgency or seriousness. It becomes their cue to pay attention. However, your child isn't deliberately ignoring you until you're shouting; rather, they've become accustomed to a certain tone or volume before taking action and think it's acceptable to wait until Mom or Dad is at that tipping point to respond. So it's not until you're yelling that they tune in and realize, "Oh, I better listen now..."

Moreover, our repeated yelling might actually reinforce this behavior. The more we yell, the more we perpetuate our child's misunderstanding that it's acceptable to wait until things escalate before they "have" to or "need" to respond. So you can see how easy it is to fall into a frustrating cycle of yelling.

It's also worth noting that shouting can momentarily startle (or even intimidate) a child into compliance. But this isn't helpful in the long term, because the child might not fully understand the reasoning behind the shouting and might follow suit simply out of fear or surprise.

How Do I Get My Kids to Listen to Me Without Yelling at Them?

Here are some strategies to communicate effectively without shouting, yelling, or raising your voice:

1. Move closer to your child when you need to ask them to do something.

Avoid shouting from across the room when you need your child's attention. When we yell verbal commands (for example, "It's time to put on shoes for school!" or "Dinner's ready! Come to the table, please!"), our children struggle to tune in and fully grasp the urgency or importance of our message.

Instead, a much more effective way to get your child to listen to you without yelling is to go to them, gently touch their arm or shoulder, and make eye contact with them as you calmly say your request. By engaging directly with them, we not only clearly convey our expectations but also help them shift their attention and transition from one activity to the next. This approach fosters a more respectful and attentive response from our children.

2. Set your expectations upfront.

Rather than waiting until you're frustrated or at your wit's end, clearly communicate your boundaries and what you expect from your child beforehand. As a part of this, you want to also say what you will do if your child crosses that boundary or limit. For example, you could say, "If you keep throwing food, I'll assume you're done and clear your plate." This proactive approach reduces the need for raised voices later on.

One important note: promptly follow through on the logical consequence. Offering multiple chances (for example, "You get one more try...") or using the countdown method perpetuates your child's notion that they have several opportunities to correct their behavior before they "need" to listen. So communicate the logical consequence (that is, what you will do and not what you'll make your child do) upfront and following through with calm and composure.

3. Offer this-or-that choices to give your child a sense of control.

As often as we reasonably can, we should offer our child this-or-that choices within our set boundaries. For example, "It's time to get dressed for school. Do you want to wear your red or blue shirt?"

Young children and toddlers especially resist us harder when they feel they're being bulldozed into doing something they don't want to do. So offering them a choice of A or B within your set parameters encourages their cooperation and tamps down on the power struggles that often lead to shouting.

4. Actively listen to your child.

Children listen when they feel listened to. So create a safe space where your children feel heard and understood, without judgment or interruption. This strengthens the parent-child bond, making them more receptive to your guidance and direction.


5. Thank them for their cooperation.

Positive reinforcement goes a long way in encouraging your child and reinforces the positive behavior you wish to see. Tell your child, "Thank you for coming to the dinner table so quickly," or "It was really helpful how you..."


6. Model calmness and patience.

We send a very confusing message when we shout at our child, "Calm down! Listen to me!" The tone and message seem to be at odds. Children learn by example, so model respectful communication in your interactions with your child. Your composed demeanor serves as a highly influential model for your child's behavior.


Remember, the goal isn't immediate compliance but rather long-term communication and problem-solving skills. Implementing these strategies takes time and consistency, but you'll gradually reduce the need to raise your voice as you build a stronger connection and mutual understanding with your child.

If you need additional support getting your child to work with you and listen, schedule a ✨FREE✨ 1:1 consultation to learn more about how Positive Discipline can help you parent with calm and confidence - all without yelling.

References:

"No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame" by Janet Lansbury

"Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems" by Jane Nelsen Ed.D., Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn