“Is My Child Spoiled?”
Many parents worry that their toddler will become spoiled or a "brat." That concern can be heightened when we see our young child throw a tantrum after being told, "No," or when they don't get what they want. Is this a sign that my child is spoiled?
Let's ground ourselves in understanding what it truly means for a child to be labeled as "spoiled" or "bratty" and cover some important pointers on how to avoid your child from becoming a brat.
What are the Signs of a Spoiled Child?
Common signs of a spoiled child include:
An Attitude of Entitlement: A spoiled child often expects privileges without earning them.
A Lack of Gratitude: They may show a lack of appreciation for what they have (like not handling their toys with care or always wanting more or yearning for what their friend has).
Demanding Behavior: They may constantly demand or whine for attention, toys, or treats, regardless of other people's needs. They may also focus on material possessions and throw a tantrum if they don't get what they want.
Other signs of a spoiled child that we may not immediately recognize as "spoiled" or "bratty" behavior include:
A Resistance to Rules: A spoiled child may struggle to respect rules and authority. They may also expect exceptions to be made for them.
Difficulty Handling Disappointment: They may have a hard time handling disappointments (like losing a game or tearing their color page) or setbacks gracefully. In some cases, this manifests itself as whining, crying, or yelling upon hearing, "No."
A Lack of Empathy: A spoiled child is primarily focused with their own needs and wants, so they have difficulty understanding or empathizing with another person's feelings or needs.
How Does a Child Become Spoiled?
It's important to note that a spoiled child is not the result of "bad" parenting. If you're concerned about your child's behavior, understand that parenting is a learning journey rather than a pass or fail test. Usually, this behavior evolves gradually over time and here are some factors that contribute to a child becoming spoiled:
Overindulgence: Regularly giving into a child's demands without setting limits or boundaries is the most commonly thought-of ways a child becomes spoiled.
Inconsistency in Discipline: In a similar vein, when the rules and boundaries seem to change day to day, it may lead a child to think they can bend the rules to get their way.
Overprotective Parenting: This may be surprising to some, but when a child is routinely shielded from experiencing failures or disappointments it can contribute a sense of entitlement. Moreover, they won't have a chance to develop the life and problem-solving skills to bounce back from a disappointment.
Ignoring Emotional Needs: When a child's emotional needs go unmet, they may seek fulfillment through material possessions or attention-seeking behaviors.
How to Avoid Raising a Spoiled Child
The key to avoid raising a spoiled child is to establish consistent rules and boundaries early on. The close follow-up to that is to stick to those boundaries and be okay when your child throws a tantrum when they don't get their way. When we remain firm in our boundaries, even in the face of a tantrum, we teach our children the importance of respecting limits and understanding that boundaries are non-negotiable. Moreover, it helps them learn that tantrums or other manipulative behaviors will not change the outcome.
That said, we don't need to be cold or uncaring when our child pushes those boundaries. Even when faced with our children's resistance, we can be empathetic and loving and validate their feelings while remaining firm by saying, "You're so mad that the cookies are all done for today. I know," or "I understand you are upset that I won't buy you the toy." This builds their emotional intelligence and, over time, guides them towards more appropriate ways to communicate their feelings of disappointment or frustration.
Can You Unspoil a Child?
Take heart, you can absolutely unspoil a child. While this may be more challenging as your child grows older, it's never too late to start implementing some of these strategies:
Set Clear Boundaries: Start by establishing clear limits and boundaries and communicate these boundaries to your child before you find yourself in a triggering situation. For example, before you go into the grocery store, you could say. "We're here to buy groceries. I am not buying candy today." The key is to set your boundaries and expectations upfront.
Acknowledge Your Child's Feelings While Standing Firm on Your Limits: When your child whines for a toy or a treat, skip trying to reason or rationalize with them. Young children often struggle to process reasoning or logic, especially when they are upset or throwing a tantrum; you cannot talk your child out of their feelings or convince them to not feel the way they feel. Instead, validate your child's feelings and acknowledge their point of view as you remind them of where your boundary is. For example, you could say, "I know you're disappointed I won't buy you the candy," or "I see you're upset and the answer is still no."
Stay Calm and Resist the Urge to Give In: Avoid giving in to tantrums to just stop the immediate scene. This only reinforces the behavior and will lead to more and more tantrums down the road. As challenging as it can be, remain calm and let the tantrum to pass-allow your child to release and express their feelings of frustration and disappointment. This helps your child learn to process and manage their emotions in a healthy way, fostering emotional regulation and resilience. Remaining calm and consistently holding our ground, even in the face of a tantrum, shows our children that we mean what we say and that a tantrum won't change the outcome.
Model the Behavior You Want to See: Empathy and gratitude are qualities that cannot be taught through lectures alone; rather, they need to be felt and experienced. So show gratitude and empathy in your everyday life by acknowledging and appreciating the kindness or efforts of others. Listen when someone shares their feelings or experiences. And give your child credit when they demonstrate gratitude or empathy by saying, "You made your friend very happy when you let them have a turn."
By setting clear boundaries, remaining consistent and empathetic, we can guide our children toward emotional resilience and curb any "spoiled" or "bratty" behavior. Balancing firmness with kindness and understanding empowers our children to manage their emotions and respect boundaries.
If you're struggling to hold your boundaries in the face of a tantrum, schedule a free 1:1 parent coaching consultation to learn more about how Positive Discipline can help you handle tantrums with confidence and grace.
