“I lost my temper with my child. How do I apologize?"

No matter how patient and loving you are, we all have our breaking points and tough days when we've had it with our kids' whining, bickering, or tantrums. If you ever find yourself uncharacteristically losing your temper or yelling at your child, extending an apology is crucial.

Why It's Important to Apologize to Our Children

Saying, "I'm sorry," to our children repairs the vital connection between us and our child. It not only repairs the conflict but also promotes emotional well-being and strengthens the parent-child bond. It sets an example of accountability, empathy, and conflict resolution. Apologizing to our child is crucial for several reasons, including:

• Modeling Responsibility and Accountability: When we apologize to our children, we demonstrate accountability and teach them about taking responsibility for our actions. We're setting a positive example that it's okay to admit when we are wrong and this fosters a sense of accountability in our children as they grow.

• Setting a Positive Example for Conflict Resolution: Similarly, our children learn that apologizing is a crucial step towards resolving disagreements. It encourages them to communicate openly and address conflicts peacefully.

• Building Trust and Strengthening Relationships: Apologizing is crucial for repairing our connection and building trust between us and our child. Owning up to our mistakes and expressing regret demonstrates how much we respect our child's feelings and our relationship.

• Demonstrating Respect and Mutual Understanding: Ultimately, apologies show respect for our child. They acknowledge our child's feelings and how our behavior impacts them, helping our child feel heard and valued.

Will My Child Think I'm Weak if I Apologize to Them?

There's a misconception that apologizing might make us appear weak to our children. In reality, it's quite the opposite. An apology can demonstrate strength, humility, and integrity to your child – qualities that many parents hope their children will embody.

Showing vulnerability by apologizing humanizes us to our children. It communicates that we're not infallible and that learning from our mistakes is a part of growth for both parents and children.

How to Apologize to Your Child

When it comes to apologizing, it's essential that we say, "I'm sorry" genuinely and with sincerity or else the apology becomes a lame token gesture. Here are some important reminders to ensure you're offering a genuine apology:

1. Take accountability for your actions and behaviors without blaming your child.

It's very easy to avoid taking ownership of our mistakes by saying things like, "I'm sorry I got mad - it's just that you weren't listening" or, "I'm sorry I yelled, but you weren't listening and I got frustrated." These common phrases wind up shifting the blame onto our child, making them accountable for our feelings and reactions which is unfair and detrimental to their emotional development. We're setting the precedent that they are responsible for our feelings which isn't developmentally appropriate and can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment.

Instead, apologize for your part in the disagreement by saying, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset, but it's unacceptable for me to yell at you like that," or "I felt frustrated when I couldn't get your attention." This helps our children understand our emotions without making them responsible for our feelings or burdening them with feelings of guilt, shame or blame for our reaction.

2. Allow your child time to accept your apology.

Respect your child's need to reflect and genuinely accept your apology. They may not be immediately ready to give you a hug or move on. Give them the space they need and reassure them that it's okay to take their time. This teaches them about forgiveness and that it's alright to process emotions before moving forward.

3. Vow to do better next time and follow through on your commitment.

When we make amends and commit to better communication and coping strategies in the future by saying, "I"m sorry, and I will work on stay calm and taking deep breaths next time I feel frustrated," it shows our children that we are not only actively taking responsibility for our past actions, but also striving to improve ourselves.

When we do not actively work towards that self-improvement, we teach our children that hollow or glib apologies are enough to reconcile disagreements -- that simply muttering, "Sorry," is sufficient to smooth over hurt feelings. While the words of our apology are powerful, our actions are equally important in rebuilding trust and strengthening our relationship with our child. So follow through on your promise to change your behavior.

Apologizing to our children after we lose our temper or make a mistake is an integral part of respectful parenting and Positive Discipline. It helps create a safe and supportive environment for learning and growth, promoting emotional well-being and healthier family relationships.

If you need additional support in strengthening your parent-child bond, schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 parent coaching consultation to learn more about how Positive Discipline can help you parent with empathy and confidence.

Reference

"Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.