What to Do When You’re About to Lose It on Your Kid
We all have those hard days and tough moments when we’ve had it up UP TO HERE with our young child’s whining, arguing, bickering, resistance, or temper tantrums. With our patience stretched thin, it doesn’t take much to suddenly set us off and react strongly. Here are some ideas on how to manage your intense emotions and what to do if you do lose your temper in front of your child.
How to Stay Calm When You’re About to Lose It on Your Kid
There is a misconception that parents should maintain an outward appearance of calm (even when we’re internally raging) or that we need to “win” the argument to ensure our child “doesn’t get away with this.” However, we cannot effectively parent when we’re in a state of inner chaos. Our minds and bodies are stressed and we may react impulsively, aggressively, or with hostility.
When you feel like you’re about to lose your temper with your child, pause on the situation and use one of these three scripts:
“I’m feeling frustrated and I need to calm my body. You’re not in trouble.”
“I’m going to my room to take some deep breaths. I love you and I’m close by if you need me.”
“I need to take a break. We can come back to this when we’ve both had a chance to calm down.”
Then take the time you need to cool down. It is crucial to allow yourself the time and space to regain your composure so you can return to these challenging moments with a clear and collected mind. Moreover, this models emotional intelligence and self-regulation. Labeling your emotions in front of your child and modeling how to manage them gracefully will help them in the long-run as they will learn how to regulate their own big feelings and communicate their wants and needs effectively.
Avoid Blaming Your Child for Your Feelings
One essential point to remember is that you don’t want to blame your child for your emotions. Saying things like, “You’re making me mad!” or “I get so frustrated when you don’t listen!” can make your child feel responsible for your feelings, which isn’t developmentally appropriate at their age.
While you want your child to understand how their behavior and actions affect others, these phrases will not help our child learn empathy and self-awareness. Empathy skills develop over time and with maturity, but they can’t be forced at this sage. Instead, focus on labeling your emotions and calming yourself down by going to a quiet space in the house (like the bathroom or your bedroom), taking deep breaths, or drinking a glass of water.
How to Apologize to Your Child the Right Way
If you do lose your temper and react strongly toward your child, it’s important to reconnect with you them. Repair the situation by offering a sincere apology using one of these frameworks:
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was very mad, but it’s not okay for me to yell at you like that.”
“I was upset and I yelled. I’m sorry and I will work on staying calmer next time.”
“I’m sorry for not listening to you earlier when you tried to tell me something important. I should have paid more attention. Do you want to talk about it now?”
“I’m sorry I lost my temper earlier. I overreacted.”
These phrases acknowledge our mistake, take responsibility for it, and express a commitment to do better next time.
On the flip side, saying things like, “I’m sorry for yelling. It’s just that you…” or “I’m sorry. I got mad, because you did that…” is inappropriate and, again, is shifting blame onto our child. We need to take responsibility for our actions and our part in the disagreement.
In a similar vein, asking your child, “Do you forgive me?” isn’t always necessary or appropriate; it can put our child on the spot to grant forgiveness immediately or before they’re ready. Instead, follow the guidelines above: take responsibility for your actions by acknowledging the mistake and committing to improving your behavior in the future. It’s important to work towards that self-improvement. We cannot promise to do better and then not follow through. This will sow distrust in our child and opens the door to them believing an empty apology can “fix” a problem.
While it’s not always easy to stay calm when your child pushes your buttons, you can raise your emotional awareness and give yourself time to cool down. Taking the time you need to calm down allows you to return to the disagreement or challenging behavior with a clear mind and composure. And if you do lose your temper, apologize with sincerity and humility. When you can take ownership of your behavior, your child will learn to similarly take responsibility for their actions and choices as they grow older.
References
“Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.
