What to Do When Your Child Cries Fake Tears
A child's fake crying or crocodile tears can be especially frustrating and dramatic for parents. Here is how to appropriately respond to fake tears and ultimately encourage your child to stop the habit of fake crying to get their way.
Why Do Children Cry Fake Tears?
Young children, particularly toddlers, cry "fake" tears for a variety of reasons, including:
Attention: Toddlers are very perceptive and will quickly discover that crying often gets them a lot of attention or lavished with affection. They may fake tears to get their parents or caregivers to focus on them.
Imitating Behavior: Similarly, your child may see a peer or sibling using crying as a means of communication or getting their way. In turn, they might imitate this behavior.
Testing Boundaries: As children grow and test boundaries, they may resort to fake crying to see how their parents respond, especially if they've received extra attention in the past for crying. Your child is also experimenting with cause and effect; they're curious to see how you'll react to their crying and determine how firm the boundary is.
Is it Normal for Children to Cry Fake Tears?
Fake crying is a normal part of development among young children, especially toddlers. Toddlers in particular are still developing their language skills. When they can't express their needs, emotions, or frustrations verbally, they might resort to fake crying to communicate.
That said, it's important to differentiate between genuine distress and fake crying. Infants and young toddlers may still rely on crying as a means of communicating that they have an unmet need like hunger or fatigue.
A distress cry is typically consistent and doesn't have sudden stops or starts. You might also observe other physical signs, such as tears, a red face, or rapid, irregular breathing which are common with real distress.
Meanwhile, fear tears can be inconsistent; your child may pause briefly, check if anyone is reacting, and then resume crying. In many cases of fake crying, there are usually a lack of real tears and your child's face might not turn red.
What Should I Do When My Child Cries Fake Tears?
While we may think calling our child's bluff by saying things like, "I know those aren't real tears. You're such a faker!" will get your child to stop and abandon their fake-crying strategy, these phrases are not particularly helpful. Calling out our child's fake tears like that can dismiss the child's need to express their emotions; even if the tears are fake, they might be a way for the child to express something they find frustrating or challenging.
A more effective way to address fake tears is to acknowledge your child's feelings and perspective while holding your boundary. For example, you could say, "You're so disappointed, because you really want that toy. You wish I would change my mind and my answer is still no." The aim is to address the real feeling behind the fake tears as you guide your child in more constructive ways to express themselves. Some other frameworks to try:
"You feel _____ because _____. You wish _____." - This gives your child an emotional read-out of the situation and maintains a strong parent-child connection.
"I see/understand/know that you _____ and we still need to _____." - This appropriately acknowledges your child's perspective while upholding your boundaries to move forward with the day.
"It's okay to be disappointed. Tell me more about what's bothering you." - This encourages them to express themselves verbally.
When we respond to fake tears by validating their feelings, setting clear boundaries, and modeling effective communication, we help our children learn healthier ways to interact and express themselves without resorting to fake tears.
Is My Child Manipulating Me with Fake Tears?
Young children, especially toddlers, are not consciously aware of manipulation when they cry fake tears. At this young age, fake crying is not typically a deliberate act of manipulation.
Preschool-aged children may be more aware of the concept of manipulating situations by using fake tears. However, it's important to recognize that even when an older child cries fake tears, it doesn't necessarily mean they are being manipulative in a devious or malicious way. Yes, they may be crying fake tears to get what they want, but that behavior is typical for children at this age.
Most parents see through their young child's fake tears pretty quickly. But it's important to recognize that, even though the tears are fake, the feeling and emotion behind them is very real to our child. We should respond to fake tears with empathy and teach our child more appropriate ways to express themselves, emotions, and needs. This helps our child move on from using fake tears as a means of getting their way.
References
“Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.
“No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” by Janet Lansbury
