"How Do I Stop My Toddler From Having Tantrums When Told No?"
A common question I get from parents is, "How do I stop my toddler from having tantrums when told no?" And the answer may surprise you, but: You don't stop the tantrum. Instead, you want to emotionally support your child through it.
When your toddler gets upset after hearing 'No,' it's not helpful to try and talk them out of having a tantrum.
It's natural and understandable to want your child to understand why a particular rule, norm, or boundary is in place. However, we can easily fall into a habit of lecturing as our primary means of teaching; we wind up over-explaining why the boundary is there.
While the reasoning and rationale makes sense to us (and we believe it should similarly make sense to our toddlers), when faced with a boundary or limitation, young children are often driven by immediate emotions and desires, not complex reasoning -- they want what they want and they want it now. During these heated or emotional moments, they are not likely to fully comprehend or absorb our lengthy explanations.
Instead of trying to convince your toddler to see the situation from your perspective, focus on emotionally supporting them in the moment.
Tantrums primarily stem from intense emotions (of disappointment, frustration, anger, anxiety, for example) and, when young children are in this heightened emotional state, they lack the cognitive capacity to engage in logical discussions. A more effective approach is to acknowledge their emotions as hold your boundary or limit with kindness and empathy.
Here are some general frameworks you could try to acknowledge their point of view as you remain firm:
When your toddler is pouting at the store for a toy...
"I understand you really want that toy. My answer is still no."
"You're sad because I won't buy you the toy. You wish you could have it."
"I see you're very disappointed. It's hard when we don't get something we really want."
When your child wants a cookie or another snack close to dinner...
"You're so disappointed because you want a cookie. You wish I would change my mind. You'll have a cookie at dinnertime."
"You really want to have a cookie now. You will have one at dinner."
"I see you're hungry and excited for a cookie and it's hard to wait until dinnertime."
When your young child is whining and crying because they have to go home from the park...
"You're upset that it's time to leave the park. Would you like to walk or ride in the stroller?"
"It's tough to leave when we're having so much fun at the playground."
"I know you're sad to say good-bye to your friends and we're going to head home now."
When we shift our focus from explaining and lecturing to emotionally supporting our children, we help de-escalate the emotional intensity of the moment. Consistently holding the boundary kindly and firmly fosters a sense of security and guides our child toward better emotional regulation as they will develop healthier ways to manage their emotions when faced with disappointment.
Over time, with patience and consistency, our children will learn that the limit won't change and that when we we say 'no' we mean 'no.' Remaining emotionally supportive in the moment and having a respectful conversation when everyone is calm can help your child internalize the boundaries and guide them toward better emotional regulation.
References
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
“The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
“No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
