10 Tips to Handle Sibling Jealousy and Rivalry with a Newborn

Many parents hope their children grow us as close friends, preserving the unique bond siblings share. However, the early whining, bickering, and shrieking, "Hey! That's MINE!" can leave you wearily wondering if they will ever get along.

Here are 10 tips to help you foster a healthy and loving sibling relationship between your toddler and the new baby.

1. Recognize your toddler's mixed emotions about their sibling.

Family members and loved ones may enthusiastically ask your toddler, "Are you so excited to be a big brother?" or "Do you love your baby sister?" These loaded questions tend to minimize our toddler's feelings about this big life change. They may experience a mix of emotions-- curiosity, resentment, excitement, jealousy-- and lack the cognitive and language skills to express how they're feeling. You can't necessarily hype up or convince your toddler to be excited about their sibling, so a better approach is to remain open to and validate the full range of your toddler's feelings so they don't feel misunderstood or alone with their feelings.

2. Empathize with your toddler's feelings.

When the inevitable squabble between your toddler and the baby arises, acknowledge your toddler's feelings so they feel heard and understood. You could say, "I understand you're upset because the baby got a present from your aunt and you didn't," or, "I see you're mad because the baby is playing with your old toy." This simple emotional read-out can help your child understand their feelings while actually bringing you all closer.

3. Carve out 1:1 time for each of your children.

It's common for toddlers to act out more after the new baby arrives. They are anxious that they've lost their special place in the family and will find inappropriate ways to get your attention, even if it's negative attention. To ease this anxiety, dedicate at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with each of your children away from their siblings. This special time together reinforces that they're enough love and attention for everyone.

4. Don't blame the baby or the other child.

Juggling multiple children is overwhelming to say the least and, at some point, someone is simply going to have to wait or not get what they want. While it's natural to explain, "We can't go to the park right now, because the baby needs to nap," it can lead to quiet resentment between your children as they start to blame the baby for why they can't do this or that. Flip the script from, "No/We can't do that/Not now..." to a positive with the phrase, "as soon as." For example, "Yes, let's go to the park as soon as the baby wakes up." This gives your child a visual cue for when they can get or have what they want without necessarily making the baby the reason why they have to wait.

5. Avoid comparing your children.

As your baby develops, you may catch yourself wondering or saying, "Why aren't they crawling yet? When my toddler was that age, they were crawling already." Or rolling your eyes at your older toddler, "See how nicely your sister eats? Why can't you be more polite like her?"

Comparing children can negatively impact their self-image by making them feel inadequate or less valued. This chips away at their self-esteem and sense of individuality. Moreover comparing siblings can create rivalry and resentment, causing unnecessary conflict.

Recognize that each child has their own unique strengths and weaknesses and resist the temptation to compare your children to each other or their peers.

6. Remember your toddler is still very young.

As soon as the baby comes home, it's like a switch flips and suddenly our toddler is expected to be a "big kid" with more understanding and patience than just a day earlier. This unrealistic expectation sets us and our child up for disappointment; they are not capable of meeting these too-high expectations and we get frustrated when our children fall short. They may be a big sibling now, but your toddler is still a young child who is still learning about the world and needs support, love, and patience.

7. When conflicts arise, focus on a solution -- not blame.

When your toddler seems to initiate the conflict, a knee-jerk reaction is to point out to your toddler, "They're just a baby and you're a big kid. You should know better..." But this just winds up putting our child on the defensive as they feel blamed and attacked. A better approach is to ask your older child, "What we can do to make the baby feel better?" or,

"What would make this fair?" Asking your toddler a question (instead of lecturing or laying blame) helps them reflect and learn how to healthfully resolve conflicts.

8. Avoid casting your baby as the "victim" and your toddler as the “bully.”

While toddlers lack impulse control and are likely to snatch toys out of the babies hands or play a little too roughly, it's important to not cast them as the aggressor and the baby is, by extension, the perpetual victim. This can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy for both of them, so focus on validating their feelings while holding your boundary. For example, "You're so upset the baby knocked over your tower. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to throw blocks."

9. Don't force your toddler to share with the baby.

Forced sharing does not inspire your child to share. They may begrudgingly turn over the toy, but they're likely simmering with resentment towards their sibling and you. Instead of pleading with your toddler to share, ask, "Can you show the baby how the toy works?" This pumps up their self-confidence as they feel like the experienced expert.

10. Prepare for your toddler's regressions.

It's very common for young children to have sleep or potty learning regressions when the new baby arrives. They may also start throwing more tantrums, speaking in "baby talk," or generally seem more fussy and irritable. When this happens, it's important to not put too much pressure on the regression. Channel your energy into spending one on one time with them to ease these challenging regressions.

Navigating the waters of sibling rivalry (even at this young age) can be challenging, but with the right approach and attitude you can help nurture a loving and healthy sibling rivalry. If you need additional support to improve your toddler and baby's relationship, feel free to set up a free 1:1 parent coaching consultation to discuss some practical strategies to bring your entire family closer together.

References

“Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish