Should You Ignore a Tantrum?
Should you ignore a tantrum? The short answer is no.
One common misconception parents have about tantrums is that if they give them too much attention, their child will throw more tantrums or regularly cry and scream until they get their way. The logic behind ignoring tantrums is, "If I ignore the tantrum, they’ll learn that tantrums won’t help them get their way." Unfortunately (and perhaps surprisingly), ignoring your toddler by walking away from them or giving them the cold shoulder is likely to prolong the tantrum.
Why You Shouldn't Ignore a Tantrum
Children throw tantrums to express their overwhelming or "big feelings" of frustration, anger, anxiety, or disappointment. Because they are still developing the communication skills to understand and effectively convey their emotions, their feelings take the form of screaming, crying, sometimes thrashing, or hitting. Essentially, our child feels out of control, and they need our presence and support to find their calm again.
So, when we ignore our child’s tantrum, we’re signaling to them, "You’re on your own here. I am not going to deal with your ‘bad’ feelings," and this leaves our children feeling insecure and unsupported, keeping them at this heightened fight-or-flight level as they don’t feel safe and secure.
Moreover, young children are still learning and practicing how to self-regulate their emotions; they don’t yet fully know how to soothe or calm themselves independently. They rely on their parents to model self-regulation and effectively "borrow" their caregiver’s calm. If you’re not there to demonstrate that, your child has a harder time learning how to manage their big feelings, meaning tantrums are likely to increase in frequency and intensity.
What Should You Do During a Tantrum?
Rather than ignore the full tantrum, we want to isolate and ignore the screaming and crying (which is likely to rile us up and make us feel manic and panicked). Then you want to acknowledge the cause and emotions behind the tantrum to validate our child’s feelings. Here is a framework to help you empathize with your child, "You sound ___, because ___. You wish ___." For example, you may say, “You’re so upset your balloon popped. You wish it was still inflated,” or, “It’s really hard to leave the park when we’re having fun. You’re disappointed we have to head home.” Your tone should be calm and compassionate.
This approach is much more effective in addressing tantrums for several reasons. Firstly, it’s modeling self-regulation to help our child calm down faster. Secondly, we’re demonstrating that we are a safe space for our child to express their big emotions; we are not going to judge or shame them for experiencing the complete range of human emotions. Moreover, we’re empathizing with them and telling them, “I understand what it’s like to be you in this moment. I can communicate this understanding to you so you feel understood and valued.”
And finally, we’re teaching our child emotional intelligence by helping them identify and understand their feelings. This helps them build a rich vocabulary of feelings. When feelings are routinely named and accepted, young children can learn the concept of separate realities; that is, other children (and adults) may have different feelings and perceptions about the same experience. When children understand and use feeling words to describe their own experiences, they are ready to learn and practice empathy skills with others.
In the long term, social and emotional learning is the foundation for academic learning. Nurturing emotional skills set the stage for all of the important learning that children will do later in life. And children whose feelings are accepted calmly and respectfully will not need to bury or ignore their feelings later in life.
If temper tantrums are becoming a daily battle in your home or wearing thin on your patience, you don't need to navigate this challenging journey alone. Book a free 30-minute parent coaching consultation today to strengthen your parenting toolkit and help you address tantrums with calm and confidence.
References
"No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
"The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson