How to Stop Your Toddler from Hitting

Toddlers lack language and social skills, so when they play together, it's easy for frustration or anger to surface. Although it's developmentally normal for toddlers to hit, witnessing your child hit another can be deeply upsetting.

Here's how to respond and react when your child hits to help them understand why hitting is unacceptable. And to put it simply, this understanding is a crucial part of your child's social and emotional development. It lays the foundation for healthy conflict resolution and emotional regulation.

Why Do Children Hit?

Young children, especially those aged 2 to 4 years old, may hit other children because they haven't yet developed appropriate ways to express themselves and interact with others. At this age, most children are still refining their language skills and often lack the vocabulary to accurately convey their feelings. Moreover, their limited impulse control can make managing strong emotions, like frustration or anger, particularly challenging, leading to hitting as an instinctual response.

How Do I Teach My Child That Hitting is Bad or Wrong?

A common misstep parents make when it comes to teaching our children that hitting is that we lecture about why hitting is bad or wrong. Children under the age of four do not understand abstract reasoning, so long explanations about the consequences of hitting and why it hurts others' feelings are unlikely to resonate.

Sometimes, we become fixated on the act of hitting itself and overlook helping our children find more appropriate ways to express their frustration, anger, or hurt. As noted by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, MA, MFT, and H. Stephen Glenn in their book Positive Discipline A-Z, “When a child is hitting, usually his or her feelings are hurt. Your child needs help from you but may feel frustrated because he or she isn't getting the help needed."

Instead of thinking you need to teach your child why hitting is bad or wrong, consider that your child needs guidance on how to express their feelings in a safe way other than hitting. Here your objective should be to teach children, "Feelings are always okay. Hitting is never okay." Simple changes in how you respond and react to hitting can help our child understand that hitting is not only unsafe and hurtful but also encourage them to better understand their feelings and build empathy.

What to Do When Your Child Hits Someone

If your child hits another child or you, it's very natural to have a big reaction: storming into the room and yelling, "No! No! No! We do not hit!" But coming in hot like that can have the opposite desired effect as our child will sometimes hit more to get your attention, even if it’s negative attention. A better response is to enter the situation with composure, calmly grab your child's wrist so they cannot hit again, and say, "I won't let you hit. It's my job to keep everyone safe."

Next, help your child manage their emotions by acknowledging their feelings. One script to follow is, "I see/know/understand ___, because ___. You wish ___." For example, "I understand you are really mad, because David took the block you wanted. You wish you had it for your tower." This helps your child recognize and identify their emotions. Often, this neutral recognition of their feelings can diffuse tense and angry emotions so your child can calm down and you all can move forward in making amends.

If your child remains agitated and appears likely to hit again, you can redirect your child towards an appropriate outlet for their feelings by saying, "I see you're really mad right now. You can punch this pillow, but you cannot hit your friend." Alternatively, you can offer them ways to calm down; for example, you could breathe deeply and say, "Would a break help? Maybe you'd like to go sit in your reading nook for a moment." Note: If your child says no, do not want to insist they go to sit alone to calm down as this twists their "calm down space" into a punishment and your child may rebel harder.

Once everyone has calmed down, reassure your child that they're still a good kid, even if their behavior in that moment was unacceptable. Say, "It's okay to be upset. It's not okay to hit your brother."

How Do I Get My Child to Apologize When They Hit?

Many parents want their child to apologize to foster empathy. However, forced apologies ("Go say you're sorry right now! You need to apologize to your sister!") do not teach our child to be sincere or empathetic. Similarly trying to guilt-trip your child by saying, "How would you feel if someone hit you?" is not helpful when it comes to teaching empathy.

Rather, a more effective way to help your child understand their actions and recognize the thoughts and feelings of other people is to narrate what happened. For example you could evenly say, “You hit David and now he’s crying.” And to encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions you can say, "Let's go check on our friend to see if they're okay. Maybe they need a hug."

Taking this approach sets your child on a healthy path of learning empathy, building emotional intelligence, and developing life skills for conflict resolution. To help your child fully comprehend why hitting is unacceptable, emphasize the distinction between feelings and actions: feelings are always acceptable, but hitting is never an acceptable means of expressing them.

References

“Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems” by Jane Nelsen Ed.D., Lynn Lott, H. Stephen Glenn