"Why Does My Toddler Fight Me on Everything!?"

Toddlerhood is fraught with power struggles that can leave parents feeling frustrated, annoyed, and angry. 

What is a Power Struggle?

Let’s quickly ground ourselves with what is a power struggle. A power struggle is the back-and-forth exchange that happens when our agenda and our toddler's agenda start to diverge; for example, when you need to leave the park to get dinner ready, but your child wants to keep playing. A power struggle is when you and your child are each jockeying for control over the situation and pushing your respective agendas. Power struggles sound like whining, pleading, negotiating, back-talking, protesting, and arguing.

10 Ways to Avoid and Stop Power Struggles

When it comes to managing a power struggle, a parent's goal should not be to "win" the argument. Rather, our goal should be to hold the boundary while being kind and firm. Here are some steps to prevent power struggles from happening in the first place – and how to stop a power struggle already in progress.

1. Maintain a daily routine. 

Young children thrive with routine. The predictability of a regular routine gives your child a sense of security and assurance, making their moods generally calmer. Understandably, when children are less anxious, they’re less likely to engage in power struggles to exert their control over their unfamiliar environment. 

2. Communicate what’s coming next. 

Even with a very familiar daily routine, toddlers benefit from being reminded of what’s next as you go through your day, “First we’re eating breakfast, then we’re getting dressed.” As your toddler recognizes the pattern of the day, they will know what to expect and, just as importantly, what is expected of them which cuts down on the frequency of power struggles.

3. Set clear and consistent boundaries. 

Similarly, if your house rules and boundaries are unwavering and firm, this helps your child learn from their actions. They do not need to repeatedly test and push your boundaries by arguing with you, because they understand what is acceptable behavior and what’s not. They recognize that power struggles are not going to sway your resolve or make you change your mind.

4. Ditch the countdown method. 

While the countdown method can be effective in the short term, it doesn't help with long-term behavioral change as your child now knows they have multiple chances before they need to listen. Moreover, it opens the door for power struggles if your child doesn't stop their unwanted behavior before you hit three.

5. Allow extra time for transitions. 

Toddlers hate to feel rushed. If they sense your impatience or annoyance that they’re taking too long, they’re likely to resist cooperating with you. So pad your schedule with extra time to allow them to shift gears without feeling hurried along.

6. Slow down.

A child’s natural pace is much slower than an adult’s. Their developing brains also take longer to hear and process information. If we can slow down our movements and ease the overall pace of the day, our children will be naturally calmer, more cooperative, and less likely to resist working with us.

7. Avoid asking trick questions.

A very common parenting trap we find ourselves in is when we ask our child a question expecting them to pick the "right" answer. For example, we may want them to clean up and ask them, "Should we clean up your toys?" or, "Can you pick up your toys?" But this creates fertile ground for power struggles as our child can argue back, “No.”  A better approach is to pose a question that invites your child to think and choose. For example, you could ask, “What do we need to do to tidy up your room?” These motivational questions are more likely to garner your child’s cooperation and avoid landing you in a power struggle.

8. Offer a this-or-that choice.

Toddlers resist us harder when they feel like they have no autonomy or no say in the matter, like they’re just being bulldozed into something. Giving your child two equally acceptable options, A or B, allows them to exercise their independence and gives them some control over the situation while still helping you all move forward with the task at hand.

9. When you feel a power struggle coming on, focus on solutions together.

A very common and impulsive reaction when your child does something they know they shouldn’t do is to shout, “Why did you do that?!” or, “Why aren’t you listening to me?!” These “why” questions usually sound accusatory and put our child on the defensive. In turn, this escalates a power struggle. Instead, pose a question that leads to a helpful solution like, “Oops! You spilled milk on the floor. What do we need to clean it up?” 

10. When needed, gently but firmly push ahead.

When your toddler is screeching about how they don’t want to take a bath, do not get trapped in negotiating with them or repeating yourself that it’s bath time. Instead, empathize with their feelings as you help them along. For example, “I see you’re really not in the mood for a bath tonight. I’m going to help you get undressed.” This way you’re respecting and acknowledging your child’s feelings, maintaining your boundary, and not engaging in the power struggle.

A hard parenting truth is: power struggles involve two participants and often leave us feeling like we’re pitted against our own children. By redirecting our attention from “winning” these power struggles to establishing a safe, consistent and supportive environment, we can reduce the frequency and intensity of power struggles altogether.