How Do I Get My Child to Listen to Me?

The number one grievance parents call out when it comes to disciplining their children is that they don't listen. But when we say our child “doesn’t listen,” what we really mean is that our child doesn’t obey. Differently said, they’re not doing what we want them to do when we want them to do it. This leaves us feeling frustrated, annoyed, and vulnerable to power struggles with our child.

Here are some ways to avoid getting caught in a maddening power struggle and get your child to listen, cooperate, and work with you instead of against you.

Why Doesn’t My Child Listen to Me?

Let’s first level-set on what is developmentally appropriate and some of the underlying reasons why children seemingly don’t listen to us. There are many reasons, but some common themes to note are:

• Young children struggle with transitions in general. A child’s natural pace is much slower than ours. It’s not a realistic expectation for them to respond to what you say right away. Their developing brains need more time to hear, process, and react to what is communicated to them.

• A child has grown accustomed to having multiple chances to listen. The countdown method can be effective in the short term, but it doesn't help with long-term behavioral change as the  child now knows they have multiple chances (or until the count of three) before they need to actually listen. 

• Toddlers resist harder when they feel forced to do something. Young children are eager to exercise their independence, so when they feel like they don’t have control over the situation or a say in the matter, they are more likely to rebel and are less likely to listen or cooperate.

• Children can and do tune out hearing, “No” altogether. When children regularly hear, “No. Not now. Later. I said no,” they start ignoring the word, “No” entirely and push back on to see if they can break their parent’s resolve or move the boundary.

How Do I Get My Child to Listen to Me?

Here are some important tools to encourage your child to listen to and work with you:

Move closer to your child to help facilitate the transition. 

A common pitfall in getting your child to listen is shouting directives from another room or telling them what to do and then walking away with the expectation that they can independently follow through with your ask. To ensure your child truly hears your request, you need to be physically present. Start by gently touching their arm or shoulder and try to make eye contact with them. Then acknowledge what they’re in the middle of and calmly and confidently deliver your directive. For example, “I see you’re busy playing. It’s time to put on our shoes for school.” Stay close and give them a long moment to process this information. This will ease your frustration by not having to repeat yourself and your child will recognize that they have your support going from point A to point B.

Acknowledge their perspective while holding the boundary. 

Children listen better when they feel listened to. Signal to your child that you see, hear, and understand them by validating their feelings before reinforcing the boundary. One highly effective script to use is, "I know (or see or understand) that you ___ AND we still need to ___. Would you like to ___ or ___? You can decide." This framework recognizes your child’s emotions and perspective while moving you all forward with the day.

Offer a this-or-that choice. 

As in the script above, offering two equally acceptable choices (Option A or B) gives your child a sense of control within the situation. For example, you could say, “It’s time to leave for the park. Do you want to wear your blue sneakers or rain boots today?” When young children feel empowered, they’re more likely to listen and cooperate because they feel involved and capable.

Give your child visual cues for upcoming transitions.

Time is still a fuzzy or abstract concept to most toddlers, so saying, “We need to get ready to go in five minutes,” doesn’t mean much to them. It’s also likely to be met with resistance as toddlers often have a hard time going from one activity to the next. To facilitate transitions and prepare your child for what’s next, give them a visual cue for when they will need to switch gears. For example, “After you build the tower with your blocks, we’re going to clean up.”

Model good listening.

This is an under-appreciated tool, but it’s probably the most influential in affecting long-term behavioral change. Our children learn from observing our behaviors, so it’s important to model good listening ourselves. Avoid interrupting your child, talking over them, or too quickly dismissing what they have to say.

When your child speaks to you, give them your full attention: turn your body towards them, maintain eye contact, and thoughtfully respond. And if you can’t listen at that moment, tell them when you can give them your attention; for example, you could say, “I want to hear what you have to say. I’m going to finish this and, as soon as I’m done, I can listen.”

To put this all into perspective, we need to adapt our attitude around getting our children to listen. We will be calmer and less angry if we can shift our approach; our aim should be to encourage our child’s cooperation and participation – not to control our child’s behavior and force them to obey us.