How to Get Your Toddler to Share

Sharing is a big concern for many parents. We look at sharing as an early indicator of whether or not our child is empathetic and selfless or able to get along with others. Moreover, our child’s unwillingness to share makes us immediately anxious that our child is selfish, rude, or a bully.

In the hopes of setting their child onto the path of developing empathy, many parents insist their child share their toys at the playground or during a play date. We think we’re helping to make things fair for all the children. Despite our good intentions, forced sharing sends a confusing message to your child that their needs and feelings are second to the other child’s. In turn, your child will resist harder as they feel a sense of injustice,  “Why should I share? This isn’t fair! I’m playing with the toy! It’s mine!”

Instead of insisting your child share, here are some practical strategies to encourage your toddler to share, understand, and internalize the importance of sharing.

Sharing is a highly complex social skill.

Let’s quickly level-set our expectations when it comes to sharing. Sharing is a highly complex skill that takes some children into their early school years to fully grasp. Sharing requires our child to willingly give up something to make another person happy and that requires our child to be able to see this same event from different perspectives. 

While young toddlers understand the very basic concept of sharing around 2-3 years old, it takes a long time for them to practice and fully develop this skill. At this stage, their concept of empathy is still very egocentric. Young children are still developing their sense of self and learning that other people have different feelings and needs and that their actions have an impact on other people. 

All of this is to say: we should not expect a young toddler to effortlessly and willingly share as they’re still developing this social skill. 

To teach your toddler to share, start by teaching them how to take turns.

To help your child learn how to share, start by teaching them turn-taking. Turn-taking is an easier concept for young children to learn and helps them recognize there are times when they need to wait for their turn and times when it is their turn. This helps them develop a sense of empathy and fairness and the skills needed to fully understand sharing in the future.

On the playground, you can point out to them, “It looks like Max is waiting for the toy next,” or “Marie is enjoying the toy now. You can have a turn when she’s done.” These should be delivered in an even tone, so you’re not putting any pressure on your child to hurry up and give Max the toy or passing judgment that your child is impatiently waiting for Marie.

At home, you can practice taking turns throughout the day in little ways. For example, “It’s my turn to wash my hands. Now it’s your turn,” or, “It’s your turn to take some crackers from the bowl. Now it’s my turn to fill my plate.” 

Similarly, you can model sharing with your child. For example, if you’re eating a snack together, offer, “Do you want to share my orange?” Or, if they’re coloring, ask, “Can you share your crayons so I can draw, too?” A follow-up to that is to practice gratitude like, “Thank you for sharing your crayons with me.”

Your child will eventually learn empathy and patience by waiting for their turn and allowing another person to have a turn. From there your child can build upon these foundational skills to learn how to share with true empathy and cooperation.

How do I get my toddler to stop taking toys from the baby?

A common source of frustration for parents is when their older child won’t share with their new baby sibling. Second-hand toys that you saved for the baby that your older child hasn’t seen in literally years are suddenly your eldest’s favorite toys and they have to play with it. Or your older child becomes very territorial and screeches, “Hey! That’s MINE! I want it!!” In moments like this, it’s very easy to accidentally guilt or shame your toddler into sharing by saying, “Hey, c’mon, let the baby play with it. It’s a baby toy anyway! Aren’t you a big kid?” 

So instead of insisting they share, ask your toddler, “Can you show the baby how the toy works?” 

This simple question can quickly de-escalate your toddler’s angry possessiveness. It also gives your toddler a sense of control in the matter. You’re not taking something away from them or forcing them to relinquish the toy. You’re inviting them to show what they know and be an experienced teacher to their baby sibling which is such an empowering and confidence-boosting feeling. You will be amazed at how willingly your toddler will then hand over the toy to the baby.

Of course we parents want our child to learn how to share, but when we put a lot of pressure or emphasis on sharing and ultimately force them to share, our toddlers are less likely to internalize the lesson. They will either share to avoid getting in trouble or resist us harder as they panic that whatever they have is liable to be snatched away from them.

To support your child in learning how to share, reset your expectations that your young toddler is going to willingly and eagerly share. They are still developing this highly complex social skill. Also, focus on teaching your young child how to take turns instead of jumping straight to sharing. Practicing taking turns will lay the foundation for them to learn sharing as they develop these life skills. By taking this more guided approach, we can foster a deeper and true understanding of sharing, empathy, and cooperation.

References

“Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

“No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” by Janet Lansbury

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish