10 Things to NOT Do During a Tantrum
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but how we react and respond to them leaves a dramatic and lasting impact on our children. Here are ten of the worst ways to respond to a child’s tantrum that are likely to make the tantrum worse – plus what you should do instead to support your child during a tantrum.
1. Do not tease or shame your child.
Mocking or teasing your child when they’re already upset and overwhelmed makes them feel even more helpless. We may think that humor can lighten the mood or break the intensity, but even light teasing can send your toddler spiraling even further and prolong their tantrum as their fight-or-flight response remains heightened. A better response is to acknowledge their feelings, so they know you’re on their side. For example, “You’re so sad that it’s time to leave the park” or, “I see you’re upset that screen time is over.”
2. Do not shout, yell, or raise your voice.
Even if you are not typically a “shout-y” person, yelling or raising your voice is a very natural and common response to temper tantrums. When our child has a tantrum, their overwhelming emotions quickly activate our mirror neurons, so we start to feel upset, agitated, frustrated, and helpless, too. Hence why we find ourselves uncharacteristically shouting, “Stop crying! Quit your whining! I need you to calm down!” But this only escalates a tantrum because it puts your child on the defensive as they feel attacked or punished. As difficult as it is, remain calm during a tantrum and keep your voice even to help your child work through their feelings.
3. Do not try to reason or rationalize with your toddler mid-tantrum.
You may have a perfectly logical explanation for why your child can’t do that or needs to do this. But when your child is having a tantrum, their brains are flooded with stress hormones and emotions and they are incapable of reasoning or rationalizing. So save yourself the frustration by not trying to reason with them until the tantrum has passed.
4. Do not threaten to leave them behind.
Walking away from your child and threatening, “Fine! Then I’m going to leave you here!” heightens your child’s tantrum as they panic even more and feel anxious that they are being abandoned. Instead, stay close to your child so they recognize you as a safe space for all their big or explosive feelings.
5. Do not dismiss your child’s feelings.
Shrugging off or downplaying your child’s feelings (for example, “Ugh, stop it! It’s not that big of a deal! I don’t know why you’re freaking out…”) leaves them feeling isolated and sends them the very confusing message that their emotions aren’t important or even real. Instead, reassure your child that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t agree with their point of view, “I can see you’re really upset right now,” or “I understand you’re disappointed.”
6. Do not punish your child for having a tantrum.
Tantrums are a normal part of a young child’s development, so punishing them for having a tantrum will not stop them from having a tantrum. On the contrary, punishments may actually increase the frequency of tantrums as time outs or withholding privileges (like taking away screen time or toys) is likely to brew resentment in your toddler. Rather than using punishments to squash tantrums, allow the tantrum to occur. This signals to your child that you are a safe and non-judgemental space for all their feelings and, more importantly, you won’t push them away for having upset or hurt feelings.
7. Do not argue back.
Similar to not yelling at our child during a tantrum, arguing back (for example, saying, “You always do this. Why can’t you just listen to me?”) is likely to put our toddler on the defensive and ramp up their feelings of frustration and anger. Instead, keep your tone even, kind, and firm as you reinforce the boundary. This highly influential modeling helps your toddler learn clear and respectful communication, even at this young age.
8. Do not negotiate the boundary.
Sometimes, we just want the crying to stop immediately. So we cave. We stay at the playground for five more minutes. We give them the cookie. We buy them the silly toy. While this works in the short term, it will ultimately lead to an increase in tantrums. Young toddlers sometimes throw tantrums as a means of testing your boundary or understanding, “How serious are my parents for real about this? How are they going to respond this time?” As parents, it’s our responsibility to set and hold clear and consistent boundaries.
That’s not to say you need to be completely rigid and cold. Rather, you want to be kind and firm in how you hold the boundary. One smart way of striking that balance is by validating your child’s feelings and point of view while reinforcing the boundary, “I see you’re so disappointed, because you want to buy the toy and I said no.”
9. Do not distract your child from a tantrum.
It’s very common to want to soothe our child’s hurt feelings by getting them to focus on something else, like by pulling out a different toy or pointing out something unrelated to the tantrum, like, “Oh, did you see the big, shiny bus go by?” While this can help ease their upset feelings in the short term, we unwittingly deprive our children of the opportunity to learn how to cope with and regulate these big feelings. A better approach is to redirect your toddlers' feelings, so they can express their feelings in a safe or productive way. For example, “You’re upset and you want to throw your toys. You can throw these stuffed animals instead so everyone stays safe.”
10. Do not blame your child for your feelings.
It is very natural to feel triggered or overwhelmed by your toddler’s tantrum. But telling your child, “You’re making me mad,” or “It makes me so sad when you do that,” is not a healthy or productive way to address a tantrum and the big feelings that come with it. When we say, “You are making me feel…” to our child, we signal to them that they are responsible for our emotional well-being which is not developmentally appropriate for them at this young age. Eventually your child will learn how their behavior affects other people, but we don’t need to force the lesson now and manipulate our child to calm down to make us feel better or happy.
This is A LOT to remember and it can feel daunting to think of all these things we need to avoid or shouldn’t do during a tantrum. But if we look at this long list in a different way, it actually makes our parenting lives easier. These are all the things we don’t need to do during a tantrum: We don’t need to stop the crying and screaming. We don’t need to give a lecture about the tantrum. We don’t need to worry that we’re letting our child “get away” with something when they have a tantrum. So when we look at all that remains as what we should do, our parenting job during a tantrum is ultimately simplified: It is our duty to remain calm, kind, and firm during a tantrum. When we shift our focus from stopping the tantrum by any means necessary, we are better at supporting our toddlers in helping them feel heard and understood.
References
The work of psychiatrist Bruce D. Perry, M.D. Ph.D with the Child Trauma Academy
“No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” by Janet Lansbury
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish