How I Discipline My Toddler Without Shouting, Punishment, or Bribery

I have always struggled with disciplining my two year old toddler. Not that he’s an out-of-hand wild man, but I (like many other parents) hate to be the source of my toddler’s disappointment or frustration and have days when I just want the crying/whining/temper tantrums to stop, so I cave. 

I was introduced to the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) parenting approach just as Lee was turning the corner into full-fledged toddlerhood, so I’ve adopted a lot of their disciplining techniques. RIE’s philosophy is centered on respect (hence why it is also known as respectful parenting) and, by extension, it calls on parents to listen to and sensitively observe their children as unique individuals with their own opinions, thoughts, and feelings. 

I think to any onlooker, I may seem like a total pushover parent and I can easily see why: I am often found at the playground, crouched down at Lee’s level while he scream-cries in my face, and nodding understandingly while I tap into the reserves of my patience. Or it’s more than common for me to scoop up my flailing and hysterical toddler up off the ground and plop him into his stroller while calmly reassuring him, “I know, you’re really upset right now. This is really hard for you.” 

Shouldn’t a parent who is in control of their child need to exert more dominance? Isn’t a parent’s word the only and final word (“Because I said so!”)? Shouldn’t a child just listen and do as they are told? Don’t children need a firm hand to learn how to behave? How will your child respect your authority if you seem too soft?

Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, points out that discipline is a combination of learning and nurturing, “Parents often think of [discipline] as punishment […] I see discipline as being a social contract, in which family (or community) members agree to accept and obey a particular set of rules. We need discipline just as we need traffic signs, and we have a mutual expectation that these red, yellow, and green lights will be observed in the same way by all members.” 

As parents, it is our responsibility to impress and reinforce rules upon our children, but we can find a gentler, calmer, and ultimately more effective way. Here are the ways I discipline my toddler, all without yelling, scolding, or punishing him...

1. I offer “true choices” in which we always land at an agreeable outcome.

Here’s a common parenting trap: You need your toddler to do something specific, like get dressed for school. You turn to them and ask, “Are you ready to get dressed?” They quickly reply, “No.” In the face of this reply, you are then forced to overpower your little one and squeeze them into school clothes while they whine and refuse to push their arm through the sleeve. It’s really frustrating to be met with that kind of resistance and it tests your patience, compelling you to snap or argue with your child.

The workaround here is to offer your toddler a true choice in what has to be done. A true choice is usually a this-or-that option and, by design, lands you at an acceptable outcome regardless of whether your munchkin picks option A or option B. RIE founder Magda Gerber explains in her book Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect, “Boundaries which are predictably and consistently reinforced provide security. In order to really develop inner discipline, children must be given the freedom to make choices.”

Therefore, when I need to enforce a rule or mandate Lee do something, I clearly set my boundary, but extend him wiggle-room on the details. Here are some examples of true choices that I offered Lee in the last week:

• “You need to walk up the stairs, because my hands are full and I cannot carry you. Do you want to sing or count on our way upstairs?”

• “We’re going into the store, so I need you to wear your face mask. Would you like the lion or the dinosaur mask?”

• “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want to take off your pajamas by yourself or do you need my help?”

To Geber’s point, this guides Lee in ultimately building inner discipline and his ability to regulate his emotions and behaviors. If I constantly nag Lee to do things “my way” and grant him no authority in anything, he’s going to become overly reliant on me or push harder and harder against me as a form of toddlerhood rebellion.

2. I give my toddler a long time to respond to me.

Infants’ and toddlers’ developing minds require extra time to mentally process directions and directives before they are prepared to transition to the next activity. Therefore RIE encourages parents to slow down and extend their child the respect of “tarry time.” As defined in the RIE Manual, “Tarry time is measured by the amount of silence that occurs during the verbal communication of two individuals…” So tarry time is that pause in between breaks of dialogue and, in this instance, a parent saying something and a child responding or reacting to what their parents said.

RIE Associate Diana Suskind, EdD writes in her essay The Importance of Tarry Time, “Only by waiting what seems like a very long time can you observe the actual reactions of your baby to your actions. It is equally important to not push it by expecting that when we say something there should be an immediate response. It doesn’t work that way.”

So when I ask Lee to do something (like put away his toys or get ready to leave), I know better than to rush him along. For instance, if it’s time to go to a doctor's appointment and I announce, “You need to put on your coat and shoes,” Lee’s toddler brain is still grappling with, “Mom said it’s time to go…” Meanwhile I am pushing him towards the front door and getting frustrated that he’s dawdling. Lee then stubbornly flails about as I struggle to put on his shoes. And now we’re both upset.

As Suskind explains, the better approach is to give Lee that long beat to connect the two thoughts, “We’re getting ready to leave, so that means I need to put on my coat and shoes…” When I wait (or tarry) for Lee to process what comes next and what is expected of him, he is more cooperative and agreeable. He might take an extra few minutes to bid farewell to his toys, but it’s ultimately less time for me to wait than for me to wrestle him into a coat. And bonus: I don’t have to drag a hysterical Lee out the door, because he is allowed to exert his own bit of control over the situation. This waiting game may seem lenient, but it’s a sign of respect: I recognize Lee has his own pace and it saves me a lot of frustration as I hurry him along to stick to my schedule.

3. I recognize and empathize with Lee’s feelings, but don’t let them sway me.

I’m confident that we as kids all heard these common phrases, “You’re okay; it didn’t hurt,” “Stop crying, you’re too old for that,” or “Don’t be a brat.” 

Now I will cop that 90% of what makes Lee upset is pretty irrational. To wit, he once threw a record-breaking temper tantrum because I couldn’t microwave his milk to be cold. But when I brush off his feelings (that to him are very real and dire but seem ridiculous to me), I’m indirectly telling him that there are good and bad feelings and, moreover, I don’t want to deal with his “bad feelings.” 

“Children need to understand their feelings. They need to know that their uncomfortable feelings are just as important as their pleasant feelings. By accepting these feelings, we teach our toddlers to accept themselves and each other,” writes Irene Van der Zane in her book 1, 2, 3… The Toddler Years. 

Instead of trying to downplay these tantrums, I discipline Lee by validating his feelings while holding firm on my boundary. Here are some common examples from our household:

• “I know it’s really hard to leave the playground when we’re having fun…”

• “You wanted more crackers, but I said, ‘No, it’s too close to dinner…’”

• “You seem upset that bath time is over…”

More times than not, when I reassure Lee with an, “I hear you…”, he quickly rebounds and calms down with a few sniffles and whimpers. That’s my cue to redirect him to our next activity or the behavior I expect, usually with a true choice tacked on to encourage him along. To build upon an example above: When Lee cries about leaving the park, “You were having so much fun on the swings and you’re upset it’s time to go home for dinner. [Long and sometimes uncomfortable moment for him to be upset while I crouch beside him and let him slowly calm down] I know, this is really hard, but it’s dinner time. Do you want to bring that stick you have home with you?”

“When children are upset, they have a hard time listening to someone else,” continues Zande. Calmly narrating what’s happening and naming the feeling your child is experiencing will comfort them immensely-- far more than trying to distract them or downplaying their feelings in the hope they’ll forget what upset them so much.

4. I will relent on things that aren’t all that important to me, but hold firm on the essential rules and important things.

There are times when I want to go to the park to get Lee some fresh air, but Lee is suddenly engrossed in building his Brio train set. If he’s happily playing and doesn’t seem eager to go to the playground, do we really need to go at all? No one is expecting us there. He’s content here. Why do I need to pull him away from what he’s enjoying just because I had a plan? While I’m fine to drop the park from my agenda, there are some appointments or outings (like visiting family members or doctor visits) we can’t skimp on and that’s when I hold firm, “I know you are interested in your trains, but we have to leave now.”

RIE breaks out these exchanges as wants nothing and wants something time: “[Wants nothing quality time] is when the parent [...] has no plans other than wanting simply to be with the child: just floor-sitting, being available; […] watching, listening, thinking only of that child,” details Gerber in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect, “[Wants something quality time] is when you do have a goal of accomplishing something together, such as dressing, bathing, feeding, etc.”

These two types of quality time work hand-in-hand: Lee is more agreeable, cooperative and flexible when I need something from him when he is allowed some wants nothing time prior to wants something. For example, if I can dedicate 10 minutes to reading with Lee before asking him to get dressed in the morning, Lee is much more helpful and will chatter away as I help him into his clothing. How does that happen? “Your availability is still there, except that during this time you also have expectations. This is the beginning of introducing and reinforcing discipline,” explains Gerber.

5. I do not punish Lee, but I will respond with a natural consequence.

This sounds lenient, but: Lee has never sat in a time-out or been sent to his room. So how do I enforce the rules without some sort of punishment? Not through bribery or rewards, but with natural consequences.

Deborah Carlisle Solomon explains in her book Baby Knows Best, “A consequence happens as a result of your child’s behavior. A punishment is a penalty for doing something wrong. Help your baby or toddler learn about cause and effect, or what happens as a result of his action.” 

Toddlers will inevitably do something wrong or “bad,” like (in Lee’s case) throwing his toys against the radiator in his room. When I shout, “We don’t throw our toys! You need to sit in the corner!” Lee won’t learn how to self-regulate; instead, he will, “likely feel shame, hurt, guilt, resentment, anger toward you,” emphasizes Solomon.

Instead, when I see him winding up to throw another toy, I gently grab his arm and matter-of-factly tell him, “I won’t let you throw your toys and it seems like you’re having a hard time not throwing them. I’m going to pick them up and put them in the other room.” Removing his toys is a direct and natural consequence of his unwanted behavior. This also reinforces a limit (that toys are not for throwing) and reiterates to Lee that his actions yield particular results or outcomes.

To learn more about how I practice RIE’s respectful parenting approach every day, check out my blog post on the topic here!