Why We Shouldn't Tell Our Child, "You're Okay!"
As parents, we've likely heard the advice, "When your child falls and they’re not actually hurt, don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say, ‘That didn’t hurt! You’re okay!’" While the intention is to prevent overreactions and attention-seeking, this common advice can inadvertently dismiss our child's feelings, leaving them second-guessing their own emotional responses.
Why We Shouldn't Tell Our Child, "You're Okay!"
The general reasoning of telling your child, "You're okay!" after a minor fall is completely understandable. We believe we're reassuring our child that the incident doesn't need or warrant a major reaction, making them more resilient and discouraging attention-seeking behavior. However, there are potential drawbacks to saying, "You're okay! That didn't hurt!" including:
Dismissal of Feelings: Telling your child, "You're fine!" can unintentionally dismiss or downplay their feelings. We wind up signaling that their emotional responses are not valid or important. In the long term, this can potentially discourage them from expressing their emotions openly as your child internalizes the message that expressing their feelings is not welcomed or wanted.
Invalidation of Experience: Even if your child isn't physically hurt, they may still feel surprised, scared, startled, or upset by the incident. Responding with a breezy, "That didn't hurt!" can impact their emotional well-being and their ability to process and cope with future experiences. Over time, your child may learn to suppress or downplay their emotional responses as they believe there is an expected or appropriate way to handle emotional experiences.
Developmental Awareness: Young children may not have fully developmental awareness or the language and ability to articulate their feelings. Telling them they're "fine" without understanding their emotions can hinder the development of their emotional intelligence as your child doesn’t learn to differentiate between physical discomfort, surprise, or frustration. Over time, this lack of emotional exploration makes it more challenging for children to express and understand their emotions.
Communication Breakdown: If your child consistently hears, "You're okay!" in response to their hurt emotions, they may become less inclined to communicate their feelings openly as they figure, "Why share my feelings if you won't believe me?" This can lead to a breakdown in the parent-child communication as your child feels their emotions aren't valued or understood.
While the intention of telling our child, "You're okay! That didn't hurt!" is often to reassure and prevent unnecessary distress or minimize the impact of the incident, it's not an effective long-term tool. Rather, we parents should balance that reassurance with the acknowledgment of our child's feelings.
What to Say When Your Child Has a Minor Fall
A better way to support your child after a little tumble is to acknowledge what happened and encourage them to express their feelings. Here are a handful of phrases and questions to help your child identify and express what they are feeling:
"Whoa, that was unexpected! Are you feeling surprised?"
"Oops, looks like that caught you off guard. How are you feeling?"
"It seems like you lost your balance there. Are you okay?"
“Is your body hurt or are your feelings hurt?”
These phrases acknowledge the event while validating your child's feelings. This approach fosters emotional awareness and encourages your child to articulate their emotions in different situations.
The Long-Term Benefits
What may be surprising is that these empathetic phrases have numerous long-term benefits when it comes to your child's emotional and psychological development:
Resilience and Coping Strategies: When we acknowledge our child's emotions and provide them with appropriate support, they develop resilience. They learn constructive ways to cope with challenges and setbacks and understand that it's okay to seek comfort and express their feelings.
Self-Confidence and Self-Awareness: When our children's emotions are acknowledged and accepted, they know that their feelings matter and are an integral part of who they are. This contributes to their self-confidence and self-awareness.
Effective Conflict Resolution Skills: Children whose emotions are validated are better equipped to navigate conflicts and find constructive solutions, rather than suppressing their feelings or resorting to less effective coping mechanisms like tantrums, meltdowns, or physical aggression (like hitting or kicking).
The long-term benefits mentioned above are not solely a result of validating your child after a minor fall; rather, it is a pivotal aspect of cultivating an environment where your child's feelings are not only acknowledged but also understood. By consistently validating their emotions, you contribute significantly to their child's positive mental health, establishing a robust foundation for their overall emotional well-being. This practice fosters a sense of emotional security, encouraging children to navigate life's challenges with resilience, openness, and a healthy understanding of their own feelings. In essence, emotional validation becomes a cornerstone in shaping a child's enduring emotional health and adaptive coping strategies.
If you need additional support in strengthening your parent-child bond, schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 parent coaching consultation to learn more about how Positive Discipline can help you parent with empathy and confidence.
Reference
"Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.
