"If I don't punish my child, how will they learn to behave?”
This just has to be said: You don’t need to punish your child to help them learn how to behave. Similarly, you don’t need to bribe your child to cooperate with you.
Traditionally, many think of discipline as correcting unwanted behavior through time outs or withholding privileges to help our children learn the rules, become more obedient, and listen to us parents.
Punishments, such as time-outs, sending them to their room, or taking away screen time, might seem like they work in the short term, but they don't lead to long-term behavioral changes. Instead, they focus on controlling your child's behavior through negative emotions like guilt, shame, or fear. Similarly, using rewards or bribes can create a "What's in it for me?" mentality in your child, where they only cooperate when they expect something in return.
The problem with both punishments and rewards is that they don't allow your child to internalize the lesson or learn self-discipline. Instead, they comply either to avoid trouble or to get a reward.
So if punishments and time-outs don’t work, how will your child learn to behave? Here are eight positive and productive ways to effectively discipline your child that foster long-term behavioral change – all without resorting to punishments, bribes, or rewards.
How to Discipline Your Child Without Shouting, Yelling or Punishments
1. Offer a this-or-that choice.
Toddlers resist us harder when they feel like they have no autonomy or say in the matter, like they’re just being bulldozed into something.
When we give them a directive or command, a toddler's immediate response is to resist, to rebel, and to not cooperate. But when we offer them a this-or-that choice, framed as a question, their brains search for an answer. And during that process of consideration and reflection, they feel respected, capable and are more likely to cooperate.
Give your child a this-or-that choice (option A or B) as a part of your directive. For example, “We need to wash hands before snack time. Do you want to wash them in the kitchen or bathroom?” Either choice gets you towards your goal, but the freedom to choose gives your child enough space to feel a sense of control and assert their independence, ultimately making them more cooperative without you having to raise your voice.
2. Use natural consequences.
A natural consequence is the direct and logical outcome of your child’s behavior, usually an “If, Then…” statement. For example, “If you don’t get into the bath now, you won’t have much time to play in the water before bed.” Natural consequences (also known as logical consequences) are more effective than doling out punishments because a natural consequence allows your child to feel and learn the impact of their actions. This ultimately sets them on the path of learning responsibility and self discipline by pointing them towards the wanted behavior and better choices in the future.
A word of caution with natural consequences: it is very easy for a natural consequence to backslide into a punishment. A natural consequence must meet these four criteria as outlined by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. in her book “Positive Discipline” in order to truly qualify as a natural consequence:
Related
Respectful
Reasonable
Revealed in advance
If a natural or logical consequence does not satisfy all four of these points, it’s a punishment. For example, “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get to watch your show tonight,” is not a natural consequence, because watching TV isn’t actually related to dinner. Rather, “If you don’t eat your dinner, you may feel hungry later. The kitchen closes after dinnertime, so you’ll have to wait until breakfast,” is a natural consequence.
3. Tell your child what they can do, not just what they can’t do.
We often get stuck telling or nagging our children on what they shouldn’t do: “Don’t touch that! Stop that! Quit doing that!” But this language doesn’t help our children learn the appropriate behavior or what they should be doing. So redirect your child towards the wanted behavior by setting the expectation of what they should be doing instead, for example, “Please walk inside the house” versus, “Stop running in the house!”
4. Flip your boundaries into a routine.
When your rules and expectations are clear and consistent, your child is more likely to follow them. Determine your household’s basic rules or norms. Some of our family’s house rules are: No jumping on the couch. Shoes off at the front door. Screens off at dinner time.
The key is to then consistently uphold those boundaries and the natural consequences that come with breaking them. It is deeply confusing to your child if one day they can jump on the couch and the next day they’re being scolded for the same activity. Their response is to then keep jumping on the couch to determine, “Is today a day I can jump on the couch? I better jump on it to find out.” Your child is essentially trying to find out how set that boundary (and your reaction) is by repeatedly testing it. This is a long game, but this helps your child learn self-discipline– the rules become the routine– so you don’t need to constantly nag or shout.
5. Turn mistakes into teachable moments.
When a child makes a mistake, it’s very easy for us to impulsively react with a comment like, “You spilled the milk! You should be more careful! I told you to use two hands!” This type of reaction immediately puts your child on the defensive and can lead to feelings of shame or inadequacy. Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. writes in Positive Discipline, “If we see mistakes as bad we tend to feel inadequate and discouraged and may become defensive, evasive, judgemental, or critical – of ourselves or others. On the other hand, when mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn, recognizing them will seem like an exciting venture.”
To help your child truly learn from their misbehavior or mistakes, prompt them with a question or gently direct them towards the solution. Continuing the example above with the spilled milk, a teachable moment could sound like, “You spilled the milk. What should we do? [Clean it up.] Yes, let’s get a paper towel.” Give your child the opportunity to correct the mistake to they can learn from the experience.
How to Encourage Good Behavior Without Resorting to Bribes or Rewards
When it comes to encouraging good or wanted behavior in our children, bribes and rewards will offer diminishing returns; your child will continuously raise the stakes on their reward or they will only be motivated by external factors, meaning they won’t behave without a quid pro quo.
Here are five ways to encourage good behavior without defaulting to rewards. Unlike bribes or treats, these respectful parenting tactics will help your child learn self-discipline while boosting their self-esteem.
1. Praise your child for wanted behavior.
Acknowledge your child’s efforts to follow directions, even if it’s not perfect. A simple but meaningful thank you, “Thank you for being so patient at the grocery store,” is deeply encouraging to your child and they will swell with pride knowing that they are helpful and capable.
You also want to be specific with your praise. Rather than a blanket, “You were so good today!” point to a particular moment when you appreciated their patience, cooperation, support, or effort. For example, “Thank you for getting yourself dressed. You really helped the morning go so smoothly.”
2. Model the behavior you want to see.
The life skills and qualities we most want to see in our children (like being respectful, kind, patient, empathetic) are the hardest to teach. Telling your child, “You need to be patient,” doesn’t help them learn what patience is. Rather, your child will learn these traits by example and their primary role model is you. It’s, “Do as I do,” not “Do as I say.” If you demonstrate respect and kindness towards others and honor the rules and routine, our child will more easily follow suit.
3. Maintain a daily routine.
As manic as children can be, they actually thrive on routine and structure. The predictability of a routine helps them feel safe and secure. Moreover, they start to recognize and understand what is expected of them in each of these phases of the day. Having a consistent flow to the day and the mini-routines that make up getting ready for school, winding down for nap time, or preparing for dinner signals to them what’s coming next and what needs to get done.
4. Spend one on one time with your child.
Children act out more when they feel overlooked or ignored. They will misbehave or throw more tantrums because they learn that this is a way to force you to stop and give them attention; to them, even bad attention is better than no attention.
So proactively fill their need for attention by dedicating 1:1 time together. Join them in their play area and just sit with them as happy company. There is no agenda, no multitasking, and no devices. You want to be wholly present for them and follow their lead. If they ask you to build a tower with them, ask, “Where should I put this block?” If they are quietly putting together a puzzle, resist the urge to chime in, “You need to turn the piece this way…” and simply observe their problem-solving skills at work. The point of this special time together is to demonstrate to them that they don’t need to act out to get your attention.
Disciplining our children doesn't have to involve punishments, bribes, or rewards. By using natural consequences, empowering them with choices, and fostering a positive environment through praise, role modeling, and routine, we can guide our children towards self-discipline and good behavior in the long term.
References
“No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” by Janet Lansbury
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
"Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.