6 Phrases I Needed to Hear as a New Mom

If I could travel back in time to the sleepless nights and endlessly long days with a newborn, I wish I could whisper these supportive mantras into my own ear. Here are the six phrases I needed to hear as a new mom...

1. You don’t know everything, but you do know your child the best.

New parents (and moms especially) will receive a lot of advice, some appreciated and some totally unsolicited. I was a stubborn new parent-- after all, I read several parenting books, so that made me an expert, right?-- and was quick to dismiss some people’s advice if it didn’t immediately resonate with me. 

While I wish I had been more humble in my lack of parenting knowledge, there were times when I greeted advice with a simple, “Thank you” and knew I was not going to do that with my child because it didn’t suit his personality. Even if someone insisted that a bouncer was the best way to soothe Lee, I listened to my maternal instinct and trusted that I knew Lee’s disposition better than any good-intentioned commenter.

2. It’s not a problem, until it’s a problem.

This was advice that our sleep consultant gave us. She explained to us that, if something is working for you, your infant and family, then by all means keep doing it. But if that something stops suiting your lifestyle or is no longer something you want to do, then it’s a problem and you need to course correct. 

It’s really easy to allow outside influences sway your opinion of what’s “right” for your family (like breastfeeding after your baby’s first birthday or co-sleeping with your infant), so be your own barometer. If this choice is making you happy and your baby is thriving, continue doing it even if other people tell you what you “really should be doing.” 

3. Babies cry. It’s what they do.

When Lee was a newborn, I understood that healthy babies cry (duh, right?) and crying out was an infant’s limited form of communication. A wail here means, “I’m hungry.” A whimper there means, “I’m chilly.” A screaming meltdown means,”I’m overtired and overstimulated.” 

What I misunderstood is that, while it is the parents’ job to recognize what these crying cues mean, there are times when you just don’t know why your clean, dry, fed, and rested baby is crying and that’s normal. I really took it to heart if I couldn’t comfort Lee, blaming myself for not being able to understand what he was trying to tell me. Instead of getting upset, I wish I had told Lee, “I know you’re trying to tell me something, but I don’t understand. I really wish I understood.” Believe it or not: this miscommunication between parent and baby actually helps your baby become more nuanced with its cries so it can help you help it!

4. Your baby doesn’t need you to teach them how to play.

When I was still on maternity leave, I was under the impression that Lee needed me to entertain him. I assumed that Lee would be bored without me singing, reading, and shaking a rattle in his face and I quickly exhausted myself with this non-stop “Janice and Lee Show.” I felt a lot of pressure to constantly do something with Lee whenever he was awake to teach him and introduce him to the world around him.

I recently read Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber, the founder of the Resource of Infant Educarers (RIE) and I wish I had picked this up when Lee was still a newborn. Gerber writes:

At RIE we believe that babies should not be taught because it usually interferes with learning. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time. Infants constantly learn by taking in, finding out, discovering, integrating and organizing the real world around them. Knowledge gained this way will serve them best in their everyday lives.

Gerber’s point is that we don’t need to constantly be in our baby’s faces to “teach” them about the world around them. They are capable of learning without our intervention because their minds are blown away just by being in this brand new world! 

If I had heard this advice earlier on, I would have relaxed a bit and enjoyed simply observing Lee quietly explore his own hands and feet without barging in and over-stimulating him by singing, “Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.”

5. Everyone wants to help you.

After we first brought Lee home, I felt so guilty asking anyone (including Andrew!) to help me with anything. Our friends and family would offer to baby-sit, ask how they could help, or try to pitch in with the dishes when they swung by for a visit.

I would shoo away their gracious offers with a breezy, “Oh don’t worry, I got it!” I was too embarrassed to admit to even myself that I was totally overwhelmed and not able to keep it all together. I also worried that people were only offering to help me to be polite-- they didn’t really expect me to take them up on it.

Now that I’ve been on the offering side for other friends, I realized that people genuinely want to help a new parent! So if you feel sheepish about accepting a helping hand, remember that your loved ones care deeply about you and sincerely want to look after your munchkin so you can take a nap or unload the dishwasher while you nurse.

6. Being sleep deprived is the same as being drunk.

Every expectant parent knows that sleep deprivation is going to come with the territory of having a new baby. But here’s something I didn’t know: being sleep deprived is basically the same thing as being drunk.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

Studies have shown that going too long without sleep can impair your ability to drive the same way as drinking too much alcohol. Being awake for at least 18 hours is the same as someone having a blood content (BAC) of 0.05%. Being awake for at least 24 hours is equal to having a blood alcohol content of 0.10%.

So if you or your partner stops making any real sense, seems unable to focus on a very basic task, or emotions are running really high, consider that you’re basically drunk on two glasses of Pinot Noir. Learning this fascinating bit of cocktail party trivia helped me recognize when I was being overly sensitive or testy because I was desperate for rest. 

If you’re looking for more encouraging words to say to a new mom, here are five phrases that are music to any mom’s ears— and five things you should never say to her!