5 Surprising Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem

Nurturing your child's self-confidence is an important part of parenting and one that lays the foundation for your child's attitude and future outlook -- how can we guide them to see themselves as capable, resilient, and self-assured?

Here are five surprising ways that can help you boost your child's self-confidence, empowering them with the essential life skills they need to grow into independence and self-reliant individuals.

1. Ask for Their Help.

When we ask our kids for their help and thank them for helping, it sends the message that their contributions are valued and important. This boosts their sense of belonging and self-esteem as they feel like helpful members of the family. Moreover, when they successfully complete the task, it reinforces their self-confidence and belief in their abilities, nurturing a positive self-image. Find developmentally appropriate ways to ask for your child's help to make them feel capable and bolster their self-esteem, for example:

• "Can you help me set the table for dinner and bring the silverware to the table?"

• "I'd love your help to fold the laundry. Can you pull out all the socks from the pile?"

• "Can you pick out some fruits you'd like from the grocery story? It's a huge help when I pack your school lunches."

2. Re-Think Praise and Compliments.

Overly praising your child with, "Good job!" or "I'm so proud of you!" can condition your child to regularly look to others to validate whether or not they did a "good job." They turn into approval junkies.

So, instead of relying solely on praise or compliments, offer your child words of encouragement that acknowledge your child's efforts and the process, not just the end result. When we use words of encouragement, we invite children to see themselves as capable – which is such an empowering outlook that fosters their sense of self-reliance, resilience, and intrinsic motivation. Here are some examples of encouraging statements to boost your child's self-confidence:

• "You worked really hard. You must be so proud!"

• "Thank you for your help."

• "I noticed that you kept trying even when your tower fell a couple of times."

3. Let Them Struggle Just a Little Bit.

Rather than immediately stepping in to fix the problem for them, allow your child to struggle just a little bit to foster independence and self-reliance. Giving them space to problem-solve minor struggles gives your child a sense of pride and confidence knowing they earned their success through their efforts. If your child turns to you for help opening a jar or zipping their sweatshirt, offer as little help as possible by loosening the lid or starting the zipper so they can finish the task.

It's also important to not let your child get overly frustrated -- the difference between a healthy challenge and an impossible or developmentally inappropriate task. To keep your child from getting frustrated, stay close by to offer emotional support and reassurance.

4. Offer Them This-or-That Choices.

Allowing your child to make age-appropriate choices within your boundaries gives them a sense of autonomy and empowers them by giving them a sense of control over their decisions. For example, you could say, "Do you want crackers or yogurt for snack time?" Or, "We need to leave now. Do you want to wear your blue or red shoes?" This not only encourages their cooperation (making parenting life a little easier!) but also enhances your child's self-confidence because they feel capable of asserting themselves in a respectful and age-appropriate manner.

5. Help Them Learn From Their Mistakes.

We are raised to be ashamed of our mistakes and this attitude oftentimes leads us to have negative feelings about ourselves (“I’m so clumsy. I can’t do this, so why try? I’m so dumb”). A healthier and more productive approach is to treat these mistakes as learning opportunities and a chance for our children to develop invaluable life skills.

So, when mistakes happen, focus on the solution, not the mistake. Here are some ways to adjust our language and point our child towards how to solve the problem:

❌"You spilled the milk! I told you to use two hands!"

✅"Oops, you spilled some milk. What should we do? [Clean it up.] Yes, lets get a paper towel."

❌"You tore your paper because you were being too rough."

✅"Your paper ripped. Do you want to tape it together or get a new sheet?"

❌"I told you to not play with that ball in the house! Now you broke the vase!"

✅"The vase broke because you were playing with a ball. How can we make this right?"

This empowers your child to embrace their imperfections and learn that they are capable of bouncing back from mistakes.

The path to self-confidence is a journey, not a destination. Incorporating these strategies as a part of your parenting toolkit can help you nurture a self-assured, capable, and self-reliant child.

References

“Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems” by Jane Nelsen Ed.D., Lynn Lott, H. Stephen Glenn

"No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

"Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen Ed.D.