The Parent I Thought I Would Be vs. Am

Before I had Lee, I had this grandiose vision of the type of parent I would be: a modern working mom who could have and handle it all. I imagined myself as a highly-organized mom who was never late for after-school pick up and always showed up to a neighborhood block party with a delicious homemade treat. As much as I want to be this on-the-ball parent, I am not always the most prepared or composed.

Here are the ways I imagined myself as a parent that ultimately have not come to fruition… 

1. I thought I would be more crafty and creative with Halloween costumes and birthday party decor. 

My mom is incredibly creative. When we were kids, she organized elaborately themed birthday parties complete with hand-made invitations and thoughtfully crafted personalized goodie bags. Although she wasn’t one for sewing, she cut, painted and fashioned costumes that stole the spotlight at the elementary school Halloween parade. 

I always imagined that I would adopt this same DIY attitude for all of Lee’s milestone birthdays and prop out our holiday photos like an HGTV pro. Jump cut to me barely finding time to wrap Lee’s first Christmas present and rush ordering a bagged Halloween costume from Amazon. 

2. I thought I would be able to hold firm when it came to discipline and boundaries.

I loathe whining. I am quickly irritated when Lee defaults to whimpering and pouting as a means of communication and I anticipated that my low tolerance of this very common toddler behavior would prompt me to be more of a disciplinarian. 

However, I surprise myself with how difficult I find it to enforce our house rules and address unwanted behaviors (like whining and unwarranted temper tantrums) because, as much as I hate Lee’s whining, I detest being the one that makes him unhappy by telling him he can’t eat crackers on the couch or ride his scooter in the house. It’s an internal battle between telling Lee no and knowing that he can’t grow up in a world of only “yeses” with him in the center. 

Similarly, I didn’t expect how quickly I would crumble when Lee throws a temper tantrum in public. I thought I would be able to shrug off any onlookers, but I am very flustered and try to soothe and smooth over the situation as efficiently and drama-free as possible. This is something I’m working on as its really silly to have these looky loos influence how I parent Lee.

3. I thought I would have an easier time asking for help.

When I was pregnant, I had heard from every source-- family, friends, parenting books-- to accept and ask for help, particularly when you’re first home from the hospital. I knew it was important to raise my hand when I was feeling overwhelmed and allow others to pitch in when they generously offer to do the dishes or drop off food. And even though this advice had been repeated ad nauseam, I felt deeply embarrassed about asking anyone (including Andrew) to help me in any way. I don’t know if it was pride (“I can handle this on my own!”) or stubbornness (“It’s just easier/better when I do it...”), but I really did not want to admit that I needed help juggling everyday tasks with a newborn.

4. I thought I would remain true to myself.

Before I had a kid, I (somewhat haughtily, if I’m being honest) thought that I would not change that much. I figured that I would balance work and home as a working mom, carve out time to see my friends, and always reserve a parents-only date night. I sincerely believed that having a kid would be a warm addition to my life without subtracting from other aspects. I could not have anticipated how much my life, outlook, and value system would shift once I became a mom. Certain self-care routines (like getting a regular haircut) were quickly abandoned in favor of being with my child. 

5. I thought our marriage would be unaffected by having a kid.

Every expectant mom hears other parents remark with a sigh, “Everything changes after you have a baby…” But every expectant mother (myself included) always dismisses that fairly pessimistic outlook with a, “But not us-- my husband and I love each other!” 

Of course, Andrew and I still love each other, but our relationship has undeniably changed since we became parents; from starting couple’s therapy to talking less, here is a full blog post about how our marriage shifted after we had Lee.

So tell us: are you the parent you thought you would be? In what ways are you a different mom or dad from the one you imagined? Email us as parentingstyleblog.com so we can compare notes!