The Fears I Have About Having a Second Baby

When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, my anxiety stemmed from the common fertility-centered concerns that come with trying to get pregnant. But now that Andrew and I are seriously planning for baby #2, I am riddled with a whole new set of deep fears and worries. 

Here are the honest (and somewhat awful) thoughts that have passed through my mind as I nervously prepare to have a second baby...

1. “Will my firstborn feel neglected and hurt?”

My greatest concern with having a second child is how it will impact Lee. Infant and early childhood educator Deborah Carlisle Solomon explains in her book Baby Knows Best, “The initial sense of excitement [your firstborn feels] may be supplanted by a profound sense of loss and longing for what was. It is only natural that he may feel jealous of, and angry at, the person who has stolen so much of your attention.”

I worry deeply that Lee will resent me or his future sibling and our relationship will be irreversibly changed. 

2. “Can I love another baby as much as I love my first?”

When I cop to this thought and say it aloud, it sounds so ludicrous: there is an infinite amount of love in my heart, so of course, my heart will grow and make more space for another baby-- without taking any away from my husband or my other children. But I still have a nagging worry that I will show favoritism towards Lee which may leave a future baby feeling emotionally neglected.

3. “I really don’t want to go through the physical evolution of pregnancy again.”

I did not especially enjoy being pregnant, nor did I have that pregnancy glow. So now that I’m staring down nine-plus long months of being pregnant (and all of the swelling, sleeplessness, aching, farting, and discomfort that comes with it), I’m simply not looking forward to being pregnant again. 

4. “I’m not prepared for sleep deprivation again.”

At nearly two years old, Lee is finally sleeping soundly through the night. I am wholly unprepared to go back to those nights of feedings every two hours and lying awake, riddled with anxiety as I strain to hear my baby fall back asleep.

5. “Will I constantly compare another baby to Lee?” 

As most parents feel towards their child, I look at Lee as my golden child. In my unconditionally loving eyes, he is a toddler genius and lovable goofball. Will I look at my second child and wonder, “Lee is so much more [talkative/playful/adventurous] than you…”? 

I fear that I will (even subconsciously) put labels on my second-born as I compare him to Lee. To reference Baby Knows Best again, Carlisle Solomon explains, “Labels are limiting, inaccurate, and often negative… These words reduce children to less than their complex selves and can cause them to believe what they hear.” 

6. “Can I manage a newborn and a toddler?”

I have not even dug into the actual day-to-day care of managing two children! While not easy per se, it’s certainly more manageable to plan your day around only one child’s meals and nap times than two children, especially considering that their routines may conflict (i.e., it’s time for one to eat while the other needs to go down for a nap).

7. “Will I have the bandwidth to give both children the attention they crave, need, and deserve?”

My mom (who raised four kids, God bless her) always told me that you need to parent each child differently, meaning that each child has distinct needs and you can’t use a cookie-cutter approach to loving your children in the exact same way. 

I worry that I do not have enough hours in the day to dedicate ample attention toward two children, because I feel like I am barely balancing the conflicting demands and needs of my marriage, child, and work. So when it comes time to focus and care for my children individually, I am anxious that it’s always going to be coming up a little short. While I have infinite love to give, I do have a finite number of hours in the day.

Feeling nervous or anxious about planning for baby #2 is very common. But if these worries feel overwhelming, speak with your doctor about your concerns. They may direct you to a therapist or additional expert resources to help you work through these fears.