How We Got Our Toddler to Stop Fighting Diaper Changes

When Lee was a newborn, changing his diaper was a nonevent: he would lay there and peacefully wait as we changed his soiled diaper. But when he turned 1 year-old and became very mobile, he became an absolute terror to diaper. 

As I was at the end of my rope trying to wrestle my baby octopus into a diaper, I was introduced to the RIE Educaring method. To vastly over-simplify the RIE Educaring approach, the RIE philosophy encourages parents to really value the diapering process. Stay with me here...

Instead of treating a diaper change as a gross duty to grit-and-bear, RIE adopts a very different outlook, “... diapering can be prime time for baby and parent, as enjoyable as playing together, when it is not seen as a chore. Within the process of diapering, there are many opportunities available for the infant in the form of learning experiences, playful interactions, and the development of the parents’ and infant’s relationship” (The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals).

This sounds lovely and a wonderful way to elevate a task that needs to be repeated roughly 2,000 - 2,220 times a year (!!). Even though I was skeptical that the RIE diapering method would really work, I figured, “Why not try it?” To my immense relief-- and, frankly, total surprise-- the Educaring approach vastly improved Lee’s attitude towards diaper changes. 

Here are the RIE-inspired steps we took to make diaper changes with our young toddler less of a battle and more of a collaborative effort!

1. We pulled back on the frequency of diaper changes and determined if he really needed a diaper change or if it could wait until he was done with a particular task.

Any time the blue pee line appeared on Lee’s Pampers, I immediately whisked him away from his activity for a diaper change. 

In hindsight, I realize how much this was setting myself up for failure and to be met with complete and total resistance: Imagine if you were engrossed in a business-critical work presentation or a fascinating mystery novel or preparing an elaborate recipe, and a giant just came into your home and plucked you up and told you it was time to go to the bathroom. You’d freak out-- not just at the horror of a giant home invasion but to be interrupted just as you were on the brink of finishing something that was really important to you. You’d likely thrash and urgently want to return to whatever activity had you so enraptured to not break your concentration or focus. 

Essentially, I was the giant and constantly blind-siding Lee with a proclamation, “Time for a diaper change!” and totally ignoring that he may be occupied or on the verge of a personal breakthrough. Could I really be surprised that he was responding to my intrusion with resistance? Could I potentially wait for a natural resting point to tell him, “I need to change your diaper now”?

2. We started asking for his cooperation throughout the changing process.

Rather than making a diaper change a soundless and expressionless process, we started explaining to Lee what we were doing and what was coming next: “I’m laying you down on your changing pad. Now I’m going to open your diaper tabs and lift your legs to clean you off…” When infants and toddlers know what to expect (and what is expected of them), they are more open and cooperative. Even though Lee had been through this process literally hundreds of times, narrating the series of events made him demonstrably calmer and more focused on the task at hand.

We also started asking for his help, “Would you like to open your diaper tabs? Can you pick up your butt so I can slide this clean diaper underneath you?” I was initially really skeptical that Lee would understand what I was asking of him, but I was floored at how much he picked up on and actually started lifting his bottom to help me and independently pressing down on the diaper tabs to secure his diaper. 

3. We stopped trying to distract him throughout the diaper change.

Before we implemented this RIE approach to diaper changes, I had gathered a basket of mini-board books and toys to occupy Lee as I tried as quickly as possible to change his diaper-- as if he wouldn’t notice what I was doing, “Don't mind me. Nothing to see here…” This tactic worked, but it was an unreliable ploy and only helped some of the time (and with less frequency over time).

We found greater and more consistent success when we narrated to Lee what was happening. This kept him attuned to the moment and more responsive to our requests for his help.

4. We took our time with a diaper change.

When Lee was just doing barrel rolls on his changing pad, I instinctively picked up the pace to rush through the diaper change; the sooner this is over and done with, the better for all of us, right?

Since adopting the Educaring outlook, I’ve opted for the counterintuitive route: When Lee is particularly resisting a diaper change, I will either wait or slow down. Sometimes I’ll tell him, “Hmmm… It looks like you’re not ready for me to change your diaper. I’ll give you a moment.” Then will sit and see if he can come back to focus on his own instead of me fighting him to be calm-- a very paradoxical approach if you think about it; “Be calm!” she yelled.

There are definitely times though when I simply cannot just wait around for Lee to decide he’s ready, like if we need to go to a doctor’s appointment. This is when I firmly insist, “I need to change your diaper and I see you really don’t want to help me, so I’m going to have to forge ahead.” Even if he screams and cries the whole time, I’m trying my best to recognize his feelings while remaining on task.

5. We ditched the changing table.

We lived in a one-bedroom New York apartment and opted to save space by just using a changing pad on the floor. When we moved into our new apartment, we briefly considered upgrading to a changing table. However, when we saw how wily Lee was during diaper changes, we decided it was safer and easier to stick to the changing pad on the floor. 

This decision ended up being fortuitous as Lee was able to lay down (or stand up) without needing us to pick him up and place on the elevated changing table. This encouraged him to be an active participant in his diaper changes versus expecting us to do all the work for him.

My greatest regret is that I did not practice the above with Lee earlier. Like most other parents, I resorted to rushing through the diaper change and distracting him with something shiny as a means to get him to calm down and just accept the diaper change was happening. I think if we had implemented this as our routine from earlier on, Lee would be even more cooperative and patient with diaper changes as a young toddler.