How One-on-One Time with Lee Ultimately Led to Fewer Tantrums

A few weeks ago, I uncharacteristically lost my patience with Lee. We were trying to initiate a new family habit of going out for walks in the middle of the day and Lee was not having it. He was whining, laying down in the middle of the sidewalk, and demanding to be picked up only then to wriggle and yell that he wanted, “Down!” 

I was frustrated and exasperated as Lee seemingly relentlessly pushed my boundaries and I tried desperately to hold them. 

I was really overwhelmed and frustrated as the preferred parent...

Before this, it felt like Lee was constantly all over me. I’m sure a lot of parents who have found themselves in the role of the preferred parent can relate: Your toddler needs YOU and only you constantly. While Andrew and our nanny, Priscilla, were able to leave Lee in his room for a moment and he would stay, content to play independently, when I tried the same, it was met with furious pounds on the door and wails of, “Mama! Mama!” until I gave up and let Lee come into the bathroom with me.

So this stroll from hell left me unhinged. We beelined it home and I sulked in the bedroom and pitied myself for the undue burden I felt. 

… And then I realized that I don’t actually play with Lee.

Amid my wallowing, I was struck dumb with the realization: for all the ways I thought I was giving Lee attention, I wasn’t giving him all my attention at any given time. I was always busy multitasking while looking after him: buzzing around tidying up while he played, popping in and out of the room to unload the groceries, or trying to prepare his meal. Although my entire day (life?) essentially centers around Lee, there were very few moments in which I gave him my undivided attention.

I did an immediate course-correct and spent the evening with Lee.

So I put my phone away, ignored the Slack notifications on my work computer, and asked Andrew if he could make dinner so I could play with Lee. I focused all my energy on him and he radiated with happiness as he took my hand and brought me to the radio, “Mama, dance. Dance!” I fought my clean-freak urges to “oh, let me just…” (Oh, let me just refold that blanket. Oh, let me just put these shoes in the closet quickly. Oh, let me just put this cup in the sink) and tried hard to remain in the moment with Lee. 

Later I learned how invaluable this one-on-one time with your toddler is. 

Turns out that this focused attention can significantly curb temper tantrums. The duo behind Big Little Feelings, an awesome online resource, and Instagram handle run by two moms (one of whom is a child therapist and parent coach), shared this post on their feed about a sudden increase in toddler tantrums and whining.

Within their post, they explained that children can act out because they so desperately want you to look at them and will do just about anything to get and hold your attention. So, as Big Little Feelings explains, “Proactively filling [your toddler’s] attention tank with positive attention means they don't need to rely on negative behaviors to get your attention.” They reinforced the importance of giving your little one some exclusive bonding time, so your toddler can soak up your attention. 

That rang so true and I realized that Lee’s attention tank had been wiped out and a sidewalk meltdown seemed as good as any other tactic to get me to take notice of him. 

So now I carve out time to focus solely on Lee.

Since that watershed day, I communicate to Lee when he gets my undivided attention and when I need to work on something else, “You and I are going to play but, when the timer goes off, I need to make us breakfast,” or, “You’re going to play with Dada now, but I will see you at snack time.” 

Nearly immediately this shift in my thinking and communication led to fewer screaming fits and temper tantrums. He is so much more willing to let me close the door to do my work and it’s not a heart-wrenching experience to run out to the grocery store. 

If you’re on the struggle bus when it comes to temper tantrums, consider scheduling a FREE 30-minute consultation with Parenting Style to learn how to handle the inevitable toddler meltdown and manage challenging behaviors.