How to Deal with a Tantrum in Public

Dealing with a tantrum is already overwhelming, but handling one in public can be particularly stressful for parents.

Whether we are at the park, our parents' house, or on a play date, the added societal pressure to quickly calm down our child becomes palpable. Whether this pressure is real or perceived, we might feel judged as inadequate or overly permissive parents. There's a concern that we might be seen as weak or that our child is a brat.

All the panic, anxiety, and worry can swirl in our minds, making it challenging to effectively address a tantrum in public and provide the necessary support for our child in this difficult moment.

Why do kids throw tantrums in public?

A child is more likely to have a tantrum in public due to several reasons, the most common of which are:

• Novelty and Overstimulation: Public places are usually filled with new (or new to our child, at least) sights, sounds, and people. The environment can quickly overwhelm our child, leading to frustration and dysregulation as they struggle to process their emotions.

• Lack of a Sense of Control: Children thrive with routine and predictability. This consistency and stability help them feel safe and secure and give them a sense of control. When they're put in unfamiliar environments, they may feel powerless and without any control over their surroundings and routine. In turn, they may have a tantrum as they struggle to assert themselves.

• Transition Challenges: Young children and toddlers have a hard time shifting gears and going from one activity to the next in general. So asking them to leave the fun park or move to an unknown situation is likely to be met with resistance and can provoke a tantrum.

What should I do during a public tantrum?

Here is how to deal with a tantrum in public to help ease the tantrum’s intensity and duration:

1. Remain calm.

Remaining calm in the face of a tantrum is much easier said than done. One reason why it’s so difficult to stay calm during a tantrum is mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are a type of brain cell crucial in empathy and social learning. These neurons activate when we observe someone else's actions, emotions, or expressions -- causing us to start to imitate or mirror their experience.

When our child has a tantrum, their overwhelming emotions quickly activate our mirror neurons, causing us to feel upset, agitated, frustrated, and helpless too. This makes it more challenging for us to stay calm and think clearly, as we are similarly pulled into a tantrum’s flight-or-fight response.

The good news, though, is that our children can mirror our behavior too. If we stay calm, they’ll calm down. When we model self-regulation in the face of a tantrum, we teach our child crucial life skills and emotional intelligence.

So, before responding to a tantrum, take a deep breath and center yourself. This brief pause will ensure you’re responding to your child’s eruption of big feelings – and not frantically or angrily reacting to the tantrum.

2. Drop down to your child’s level.

Tantrums are often a cry for connection and a need to feel seen and heard. When there is a significant height difference between you and your toddler, your child may feel as if you’re looming over them. This can intensify their sense of panic and frustration, making them feel distanced from you. Kneeling down to be eye-to-eye with your child's level communicates that you’re there for them.

3. Validate your child’s feelings.

Help your child feel understood by empathizing with their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their point of view. For instance, you could say, “You’re really upset that it’s time to leave the park,” or “It’s so hard to leave the park when we’re having fun.” Another framework to express your empathy is, “You sound ___, because ___. You wish ___.”

This lets your child know that you get it. Sometimes, simply hearing that you understand and recognize their feelings is enough to soften your toddler’s tantrums.

4. Let the tantrum run its course.

It's really common to want to explain why a boundary is in place (like "to keep you safe" or "because we need to do this now…"). But a tantrum isn't the right time for reasoning or rationalizing. During a tantrum, your child's brain is in survival mode.

The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions and generating the body’s fight-or-flight stress response goes into overdrive and starts releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation takes a backseat. The fear and stress causes their thinking to shut down while ramping up their feelings of frustration, anger, and anxiety.

Your child can't really reason with you until their brain feels safe again and the threat seems gone.

All of this is to say: try to keep your talking brief. Don’t try to reason with your toddler or coach them through the temper tantrum. Instead, stay close by and patiently let the emotions run their course. Your child needs to know that you’re a safe space for them to have these explosive emotions and, once they’re through this tantrum tunnel, you can help them move forward. 

5. Help your child move forward and redirect your children’s attention.

After your child's tantrum has eased (maybe with a few whimpers and sniffles), both you and your toddler might feel stuck or unsure about how to proceed without setting off another tantrum. To help your child bounce back from a tantrum and get you all back on track, present them with a this-or-that choice in what happens next. For example, you could say, "I know (or see or understand) that you ___ and we still need to ___. Would you like to ___ or ___?"

This approach encourages your child to think and choose and is more likely to garner their cooperation. In contrast, when we issue a directive or command (like, "We're leaving the park now. Get in the stroller.), a toddler's immediate response is often resistance and rebellion. By giving your child two options, A or B, within your established boundaries (either choice is fine with you), you empower your child to save face post-tantrum, assert their independence, and retain some control over the situation, while still moving forward after a tantrum.

6. If needed, remove your child to a quiet and calmer space.

At times, our toddler can become caught in a tantrum spiral – where the screaming, crying, thrashing, and hitting only escalate. Often, our parenting alarm bells start ringing, and concerns for our child’s physical safety arise as they throw themselves on the ground or repeatedly try to escape from us.

When they are this overwhelmed, we need to physically intervene. In this instance, the most gracious and loving thing you can do is gently explain, “I’m here to help, so I’m picking you up and we’re going to the stroller/car/other room.” Then you scoop up your child and retreat to a more private space for them to release all their big feelings.

Public temper tantrums are common because our child can become overwhelmed and overstimulated by new environments and people. To respond effectively and ease the intensity and duration of these tantrums, we need to be a safe emotional space for our child. This involves maintaining our own composure, acknowledging and validating their emotions, and supporting them in moving forward after a tantrum. For more on what to and what not to do during a tantrum, read my blog post, “10 Things to NOT Do During a Tantrum” here.

References

“Your Self-Confident Baby” by Magda Gerber

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

"No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

"The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson