3 Bad Parenting Habits I’m Trying to Break

Now that Lee is approaching two-years-old, I’ve been thinking a lot about how different it is to parent a newborn versus a toddler. When Lee was born, I was so preoccupied with just keeping him healthy and safe. As a toddler though, Lee’s learning to be an independent person and my job as a parent is to set clear boundaries to establish a sense of security for him. 

In turn, I’ve taken stock of the parenting habits that I picked up when he was a newborn that haven’t really aged with Lee and his evolving emotional needs and budding independence.

Here are three bad parenting habits I’m trying to break...

My Bad Parenting Habit #1: Ending directions or objective statements with, “Okay?”

I’m sure a lot of parents have heard themselves say/ask:

“We’re leaving the park in five minutes, okay?” 

“You need to clean up your books, okay?” 

“It’s bath time, okay?”

In my mind, when I ask Lee, “Okay?” at the end of a sentence, it’s akin to double-checking that he understands what I’m asking of him. But to Lee’s sensitive ears, that questioning “Okay?” signals that there may be wiggle room for negotiation and I’m asking for his opinion of and permission on the matter at hand.

According to the experts behind the Yummy Mummy Club, “Putting “OK” at the end of an instruction does two unhelpful things. First, it turns that request into a ‘yes/no’ question, to which your child can respond ‘no.’ Second, it gives your child the authority to ignore your instruction.”

I am working on simply declaring the statement (“It is bath time”) without tacking on an “Okay?” or “Sound good?” at the end. This eliminates the conflicting message and immediately level-sets for Lee what is expected of him; “It’s bath time, so that means we’re going to the bathroom.”

My Bad Parenting Habit #2: Offering “false choices” when there is no other alternative.

Bad habit #1 segues into bad habit #2 which is offering Lee “false choices,” like, “Are you ready to go to the doctor?” or “Do you want to put on your face mask?” I clearly want him to do something (like put on his face mask) that he likely does not want to do, but I’m offering it in the form of a confusing question; I’m presenting something to him as if he has an option when he really doesn’t.

The smarter approach is to offer Lee real choices that still land at what I want for him. For example:

False Choice

Janice: Do you want to put on your face mask? 

Lee: No!

Janice: Well, you’re putting it on anyway!

True Choice

Janice: Do you want your green or blue face mask?

Lee: [Thoughtful pause] Green.

Janice: Great, here is your green mask.

This allows Lee to exercise authority on the matter (he gets to pick which mask he wants) and sets up a more cooperative scenario for both of us (because I still get him to wear a mask).

My Bad Parenting Habit #3: Teaching Lee how to do something “correctly.”

Whenever Lee shows interest in a new toy or household object, I have a bad habit of jumping in quickly to show Lee how to do something the “right way.”

A recent example: Lee is currently fascinated by a set of small plastic organizer drawers (the kind you’d have in your bathroom for makeup or hair ties). He opens, fills, and closes the drawers, but will occasionally turn the drawer unit upside down and can’t quite pin down why the drawers are no longer open-side up. Enter me, barging in to reset the drawer unit so he can play with it “correctly.” As good-intentioned as I am here, I’m in the wrong.

Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget wrote, “When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.” I need to give Lee the breathing room and opportunity to try, try and try again to solve his own “problems,” instead of preemptively diving in to help him. Letting him struggle just a little bit is good (obviously this does not apply when he is in physical danger) and he will discover that he is capable of doing things for himself.

We’re all still a work in progress and there are other things that I can improve upon as a parent, but these feel like a solid starting point as I work on being a clear communicator for Lee and empowering his autonomy. Are you working on breaking some of your bad habits, too? Share with us at parentingstyleblog@gmail.com!