The Pros and Cons of Being Your Toddler’s Preferred Parent

It is very common for a child to prefer one parent over the other. And even though it is deeply hurtful to hear your toddler insist they want Dada or Mama, you should rest assured that this is normal and actually a sign of positive attachment. (Yay…?)

When you are your child’s favorite parent (or favorite parent of the moment), they can become exceptionally clingy and panic when you step away for even a brief moment. Your little one may also demand, “Mama, MAMA, MAMAAAA!!” tuck them in at night and refuse your partner’s efforts and affection. And, confusingly enough, your toddler may rebel harder against the preferred parent, because they consider you an emotionally safe space where they can test limits and boundaries (meaning the preferred parent is more likely to experience temper tantrums).

Being the preferred parent is an emotionally fraught role in which to find yourself. Here are the pros and cons I’ve experienced as our toddler’s favorite or the preferred parent...

The Benefits to Being the Preferred Parent 

Pro #1: It can be oddly satisfying.

Of course, no parent likes to see their child upset, but it can feel weirdly flattering to have your child race to you for comfort-- knowing that you wield a unique power to make their hurt go away with your hugs and kisses.

Pro #2: Your child may be more cooperative with you.

Being the preferred parent can make daily care practices (like diaper changes, getting dressed in the morning, or brushing teeth) a little easier. As Lee’s preferred parent-du-jour, I have a comparatively easier time with getting Lee to follow directions than Andrew. 

The Drawbacks of Being the Preferred Parent

Cons #1: You may start to resent your partner.

I love Andrew and he is an exceptional father. But there have been countless times when I have judgmentally thought, “Ugh, why is [putting on Lee’s shoes/playing in Lee’s room/getting in the bath] so hard for Andrew?!” 

Of course, I recognize that (as explained above) it is easier for me to get some of Lee’s basic care needs resolved because Lee is more accommodating to the preferred parent role. But in the moment, amidst the whining and yelling, I feel a flare of bitterness towards Andrew like, “Can’t you just take care of this?!”

Con #2: You feel guilty saddling your partner with a screaming child.

This scene is too common in our household: Andrew volunteers to take Lee to the playground so I can have a moment to myself. Once Lee realizes that I’m not going, too, he melts down, screaming and crying, “Mama! Come!!! MAMA! COME?!!?” I feel terrible that Lee is upset and now Andrew has to deal with a temper tantrum on account of me needing some solo time. It’s not a position anyone wants to put their partner in, “Here, this is your problem now. Good luck with [*gestures broadly*] that.”

Con #3: Your alone time is likely going to be met with screaming and crying, thus making your relaxing time anything but.

Con #2 dovetails into con #3: when your toddler won’t let up with their cries for you, it’s enough for you to throw your hands up in resignation, “Fine, you win!” It is emotionally exhausting to hear your toddler howl for you and you know that if you just give in, the wailing will stop and you can take your shower later, right? 

You know in your heart that this is not healthy for you or your child, but it makes you feel like a bad parent for needing (and taking) some space. And even if you hold firm, close the bathroom door, and jump in the shower, it’s very difficult to enjoy your shower as your toddler huffs and puffs just outside. 

Being the preferred parent has more drawbacks than advantages as it can be emotionally draining to be the go-to parent for your child for every. little. thing. If you’re burnt out, I feel you. Here is a way we started evening out the favoritism in our household: we each started spending more time with Lee solo. To learn more about that experience (and the breaking point that brought me to this place), read our blog post “How One on One Time with Lee Ultimately Led to Fewer Tantrums” here.